Have you ever felt ordinary and inferior? I have. Actually, not only have a felt that way but I was literally told by my mother that I was unwanted, unwelcome, and unworthy.
“Whoever Brings Blessing Will be Enriched” Proverbs 11:25
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I even wrote a poem about that experience.
“A Narcissistic Mother”
A Narcissistic Mother is egotistical and incapable of love or compassion.
She is self-centered and only for herself does she experience any genuine passion.
She is a caregiver who treats her daughter as if the child’s aim were to be of service.
She deliberately persuades her daughter that she’s unloved, undeserving, unwanted, and worthless.
A Narcissistic Mother is one moment raging and next moment she is smiling.
She behaves unpredictably; her goal is to win people’s compliments and admiring.
She has an enmeshed relationship with her daughter where her child’s needs don’t even exist.
If she decides to appear nice, she is pleasant, but in a split of a second she’s violent and pissed.
She uses her daughter to fuel her ego or get some money; that’s pretty much it.
And of course, her true motives she would never openly to anyone admit.
A Narcissistic Mother sucks a life out her daughter and says straightforwardly: “I just want you dead!”
Her daughter ends up with a long-lasting emotional trauma and a life of self-healing ahead.
FORMED BY GOD TO BE ALIVE
I was born out of wedlock in Russia in 1983 into a family of alcoholics to a single mother who hated me.
There were ten people in a 4-bedroom condo: my mom, me, her middle sister and her daughter, her little sister and her family, and my grandparents.
My grandma was so ashamed of me being fatherless, she insisted that I never call her “grandma” in front of people.
My family made and sold their own alcohol. My grandma, my aunt, and my mom were all working as generators, and they envisioned that same profession as a perfect future for me.
Emotional and physical abuse, rape, two suicide attempts – I’ve been through it all.
My life at home was awful, abusive, humiliating and debilitating.
My mother started getting me addicted to porn when I was very young. I kept my virginity till 16, which was too long for her and she highly encouraged me to finally just give it away. So, I did.
My mother told me on a regular basis: “You’re worthless, I hate you and I just want you dead!”
I tried to commit suicide when I was 11 and 12 because it seemed a much better idea than living with my mother. She made me feel unwanted, unwelcome, and unworthy.
I grew up and left Russia. I moved to America and in 2016, I married a kind-hearted, Bible-believing, seminary graduate (according to his words) Christian man who treated me with love and care.
As I walked down the aisle on 5/14/2016, there stood Michel, the man I loved and adored! He had the tears of happiness in his eyes. Michel declared his genuine love for me to the world that day.
Our wedding was very happy and memorable. I became “Missis Szabo” and looked forward with a hopeful heart to spending the rest of my life with the man I loved and saw as Christ-like.
After the wedding, Michel abandoned our marriage and declared to me: “My bicycle is my other wife I cheat on you with.” He said that he wasn’t interested in me and that all he wanted was to be an IronMan and complete in Kona.
We never made it to even a honeymoon. Instead, right after our wedding, we went to Chattanooga, TN for an IronMan competition.
[picture of us there from IG]
I was getting used to being rejected by Michel. He rejected me not just verbally and with his daily actions, but sexually, too, stating that he needed to save his body for IronMan training.
Every day following our wedding, Michel treated me as unwanted, unwelcome, and unworthy. And I eventually began to experience a severely suicidal depression. Being dead seemed like a much better future than another day of future with Michel.
That was until in my despair I turned to the Bible to find out what God said about me. I wanted to know why I was here in the world.
Genesis 2:7 says this:
“Then the Lord God formed a man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.”
I had a breakthrough: that’s how God created me! Out of the dust, for His purpose and glory, God made me because He wanted to have me. He wanted me to be here, live alive, and glorify Him.
I felt relieved. I felt like a whole new world was right in front of me. I felt hopeful again.
I discovered from the Bible that I was wanted, welcome, and well-desired. I found out that I came here for a reason, for a purpose, that I was bright here to be God’s glory on display. God chose to have me here for His special purpose!
That made me feel unique and special.
I even wrote a poem about that experience.
“My life is such a gift”
My life is such a gift.My life is such a blessing.I’m grateful for each day,Which I’m with joy professing.
I’m grateful for the peace,I’m grateful that I’m healthy,For joy that may not cease,And being friendships-wealthy.
I’m grateful for abundanceOf food and drinking water,And clothing choices hundreds,And being God’s own daughter.
I’m grateful for each mentorWho time invests & wisdomTo ground me & centerIn Gospel & God’s kingdom.
I’m grateful for awarenessOf who I am in JesusAnd for my journey’s rareness.To love it I have reasons.
My life is very special,And I am special also -I have a high potential,With Scriptures armed, I know so.
LOVED AND HANDPICKED BY GOD
Yes, it’s true, according to my mother, she didn’t want me, didn’t plan on having me, and I was an unwanted accident for her.
But! I didn’t come into this world FROM my mother. I came here THROUGH my mother. But the one I came FROM was God. I wasn’t an accident to God. I didn’t just happened to Him. I wasn’t a mistake. He planned on having me. He created me. He wanted me. He welcomed me. He loved me when I was still in my mother’s womb.
1 Thessalonians 1:4 says this:
“For we know, brothers and sisters loved by God, that he has chosen you.”
When I discovered from the word of God that He chose me because He loved me first, I wept. I felt so special, no longer ordinary. I felt desired, no longer unwanted. I felt accepted, no longer rejected. I felt like I wanted to live my life alive!
Most of my marriage with Michel, I was under a care of a trauma counselor who was experienced working with victims of narcissistic abuse.
I also worked with a Biblical counselor. We met every Wednesday at 5 pm. She was the one who led me to studying Spiritual Warfare. She also taught me to focus on my identity as a Child of God instead of Michel’s wife.
Yes, it’s true: Michel traded me in for an IronMan bicycle like a commodity. But! God handpicked me for His special purpose to bear Fruit in His kingdom.
APPOINTED BY GOD TO BEAR FRUIT
From the moment I discovered the truth, I had to train my mind to turn away from how my mother didn’t choose me and how Michel didn’t choose me. I had to take every though captive and submit it to the truth of Christ, which is this: Jesus chose me and I am special.
John 15:16 says this:
“You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit – fruit that will last – and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you.”
That’s Jesus telling me how and why He chose me. I couldn’t believe my eyes!!!Jesus Christ, the son of God, chose and appointed me to fulfill His purpose.
HAVING PURPOSE AS A PRIVILEGE
What’s the purpose of having me here? Ive learned that the purpose of my life is to glorify God.
1 Peter 2:9 says:
“… you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.”
Royal. Holy. Special. Called to light.
I’ve learned that that’s all me, according to the Bible. And all that is so that I “declare the praises of him who called” me “out of darkness.” In other words, to praise and glorify God, that’s the purpose of my life as a child of the King of the universe and His royal heir.
Have you ever felt ordinary and inferior? No more! I’ve learned what God says about me and it healed me. If you gave your life to Christ, you’re a special and chosen child of God, a royal heir with a Kingdom purpose.
Do you wholeheartedly believe this about yourself?
If you do, memorize the Biblical affirmation I created for you to remember that you have been handpicked by the creator of everything and you have a special purpose as King’s royal heir in His kingdom.
I am special and chosen:
I am special, I am chosen, Formed from dust in God’s own image,Made alive just by His Spirit,With a purpose as a royal privilege. How does it make you feel to know confidently that you are a special and chosen child of God? Share with me in the comments below so I can rejoice with you.
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Anna Szabo is the founder of Online Discipleship For Women, a Christian ministry committed to alleviating suicide among women globally by sharing hope in Christ. Anna teaches how to create a joyful life by embracing God’s word based on her own journey of faith and fortitude.
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