Have you ever experienced fear or anxiety? Life is full of uncertainty, trials, tribulations, adversity, and troubles. I know first-hand what it’s like to feel suffocated by terror, being unable to breathe from hyperventilating intensely, and shaking in your own body, unable to escape a scary situation or a flashback into one from the past. I’ve endured years of abuse. I’ve been beaten, tortured, enslaved, threatened, assaulted, raped, and even molested as a child. In 2016, I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD while married to a narcissist. Free-floating terror and panic attacks reside at my address. They go to bed with me and follow me even to the shower. When I wake up, they are already there, waiting to terrorize me all day every day. But my faith in God is greater than my fears. I am protected. That is what today’s Biblical devotional is about. May it bless you with the same comfort I myself received from God.

How We Learn To Have Fear

We are not born scared. Fear is a skill we learn over time. Let me tell you how I learned the skill of fear. I was raised in Russia by a narcissistic mother. At 25, I married a very abusive American man who enslaved me for eight months until the local police conducted a rescue operation and liberated m from domestic violence. At 28, I married again, and that man also became abusive. On Christmas 2013, I left him forever, and we were divorced eight months later. In 2016, I was lured into my last marriage. It was the worst case of a narcissistic husband. I almost lost my life. The guy was a real-life Dr. Jekyl Mr. Hyde. His cruelty resulted in my suicidal depression in 2016-2017.

I learnd fear from chronic trauma.

During my marriage with the narcissist, I experienced unbearable and paralyzing panic attacks. I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD. In 2017, we were divorced, and I began unpacking my depression, anxiety, fears, and debilitating panic attacks.

God’s Promise of Protection

As a Christian woman, I try to abide in Christ instead of living in my own power. One of God’s promises in the Bible is that of protection. During my narcissistic abuse recovery, I had to go deep within myself and figure out the cause of my fears. I rationally and logically understood my C-PTSD but it didn’t allow me to conquer it.

Here’s my poem about my trauma.

"Getting To Know Me" #PoemsFromGod

I always knew that something was wrong.
I never ever felt like I could belong. 
I was a misfit and felt misunderstood. 
I finally examined my traumatic childhood. 

...

Getting to know me better I invited myself, and it’s been a journey of facing my pain. 
Many times, I felt devastated to the point of giving up but it’s how I awareness gain. 

I always remembered that at five, at home, I was exposed to alcohol and porn. 
I loved my mother but she cruelly abused me, and by her violence I felt apart torn.

I attempted to run away from home for the first time when I was only five years old
Because I was beaten, bullied, and betrayed; I was useless I was often told. 

My mother’s face never lit up when she looked at me. She displayed despising. 
She criticized my character, my body, and my intelligence, my faults emphasizing.

My growing up was accompanied by terror and abandonment, I felt very lonely.
My mother refused to protect me from harm: to protect myself she told me coldly.

Her disapproval resulted in cruel abuse: verbal, mental, emotional, and physical. 
My mother said it was my own fault that she was toward me so hatefully-critical. 

I was slapped, pinched, punched, pushed, chocked, and put on my knees for hours
On top of buckwheat spread over a bare wooden floors, to strip me of my powers.

Despite the cruelty inflicted on me, I loved my mother and longed for her attention.
Whenever she pretended to be a good mother, I gave in to her clever pretension. 

My cruel mother called me worthless, stupid, unlovable, and fundamentally bad.
She accused me of being guilty for being born out of wedlock and not having a dad.

When I cried, there was no one sitting next to me comforting me. I endured life boldly.
But the knowing that I was completely alone in life made me feel painfully lonely. 

I grew up in an unsteady, unpredictable home where no one ever got alone.
I was rejected, harassed, and bullied. They told me bluntly that I didn’t belong.

My mother, uncles, aunts, and cousins were adulterous alcoholics and abusers.
I saw them many times unconscious, so I thought of all of them as total losers. 

I often had to pick my drunken mother up and walk her home for miles at night.
She’d curse me, bully me, harass me, and often start with me a violent public fight. 

She’d say with pride: “You‘re lucky that I do not drink!” and I would feel confused.
Admitting to her horrendous drinking problem my mom defensively refused.

I never felt safe with anyone. I never felt cared for or loved or at least protected.
That prevented me from developing self-worth and identity, feeling disconnected. 

Growing up without any positive role models, I detached and dissociated.
By the unspeakable pain of my unbearable reality I often felt suffocated.

To cope with the terror, I was biting my nails and toenails. Also, I was often sick.
I lived in an environment of unbearable stress, so I was worn out and very weak.

I was hospitalized for 21 days twice annually with all sorts of inflammation. 
Three weeks in a hospital meant being safe without hiding through dissociation. 

I grew up thinking my family was normal but it wasn’t. At 11, I painfully realized it.
I attempted suicide because in my family’s house of horrors I was a rejected misfit. 

I became aware of the abuse inflicted on me often, and at 12, I attempted suicide. 
My resentment toward my violent family members from then on I could not hide. 

I began withdrawing and focused on my school, the place where I was respected. 
But my family ridiculed my desire for education. For me to fit in they expected. 

At 12, I no longer could take my mother’s beatings, so I began using self-defense. 
She became more hateful and even more cruel, my home life became more tense. 

I was chronically bullied and humiliated by my mother, aunts, cousins, and grandma.
The only man in my life was my big and strong but often severely drunk grandpa. 

He often used to flee our home, escaping  the abuse, yet he returned same day.
I, on the other hand, would hide for days from my abusive mother to stay away. 

I could never feel my sadness because it wasn’t safe, so I just put on a happy smile.
That’s how my vulnerability, my hurting inner child, I was able to over time exile. 

I was disconnected from my body, feeling chronically overwhelmed by trauma.
I learned to actually anticipate abuse, bullying, ridicule, insults, and other drama.

No matter what they did to me, I held my shit together and acted maniacally happy. 
I couldn’t stand people who showed their real feelings, which I considered crappy. 

I was raped as a teen. My mother told me to keep the secret to myself and feel lucky
Because I was more experienced than others; but I felt traumatized and yucky. 

My longing for love and protection went unfulfilled and intimacy needs unmet.
I was terrorized at home daily and felt terrified, which is why I so often fled. 

I experienced enormous amounts of unbearable pain and deprivation as a kid.
It was a secret, I had to pretend to be happy, but today my truth I publicly admit. 

My world was filled with dark secrets, manipulation, and unspeakable pain.
Putting what I have endured into words was impossible for my hijacked brain.

I developed alexithymia - the inability to recognize or describe my own emotions.
Alexithymic, I numbed in response to my trauma, simply going through the motions. 

I coped through sex and alcohol, but I also graduated from multiple universities.
I tried my best to do whatever possible to escape for good my various adversities.

I worked so hard to build a better future for myself and finally set me free.
That was what I dreamed of every time I was pursuing another graduate degree. 

I spent my adolescence and many years of adulthood trying to put my past behind.
I needed to acknowledge it and look at it but I felt scared and so I chose to be blind. 

There’s always been a pervasive sense of all-consuming fear surrounding my life.
It worsened quickly after I submitted to the idea of becoming a mother and a wife. 

Enslaved as a mail-ordered bride in a foreign country, I was severely abused. 
I was rescued by the police and taken to a shelter, very traumatized and confused. 

My chest was mostly tight and I often experienced unstoppable rectal bleeding.
The multiple-week examination revealed no physical reason. Peace I was needing.

While in the shelter, without immigration documents, not speaking English, I slept.
I also hiked and walked in parks. I practiced yoga. I often sobbed and wept. 

Imagination helped transform my horrific ordinary into a terrific extraordinary life.
But still, I dreamed again to be some day, as I was taught, a mother and a wife. 

So, I got married and I was abused and then I got divorced the second time.
That’s when I started seeking answers, slowly shifting my thinking paradigm.

I did no dating for 600 days and spent a lot of time in solitude after I got baptized.
My dream of having constant peace and sound joy in silence was finally realized. 

I was becoming more calm and relaxed, having the courage to examine my life.
Yet, I again was brainwashed to believe in the idea of becoming a mother and a wife.

So, I got married and I was abused and then I got divorced the third and final time.
I ditched what people said, surrendering to God my life and thinking paradigm.

Mindfulness-based practices improve depression, anxiety, and self-awareness. 
Through prayer and complete surrender I was able to create a life of true rareness.

I connected to myself and was able to conduct a constructive inner dialogue. 
Helped me with this my God, my faith, my patience, my poetry, my dog, and my blog. 

I focused my attention on the inside to examine and understand my life of drama.
I became my compassionate self who understands my intense fear from trauma. 

I realized that there are so many parts of me! A scared, violence-wretched child, 
Who was innocent and vulnerable, for which she got from me for years exiled. 

There are also a confused helpless victim and an accomplished high achiever.
There are an unstoppable resilient warfare tank and a kind-hearted empathic giver.

There are an obsessed perfectionist, as well as an artist and poet who is creative.
There is a performance-driven marketing professsional, of the ROI highly protective. 

There’s a bottom-line focused executive, who is the inner critic from my mother. 
None of these parts of me today my psyche stir up, torture, or even bother. 

My internal manager was created to avoid and keep hidden my exiled inner child.
My fire fighter was created to protect my exiled vulnerable parts when life gets wild.

My wounded parts, my baggage, pain, my trauma, and my lessons learned make me.
My authentic, real, human, candid, open, vulnerable self I’m finally not afraid to be.

My critic finally can relax, liberating my exiled child from constant forced hiding.
Accepting who I am released me from that fake life. I‘m now in God’s truth abiding. 

I acknowledged and accepted the holes in my soul from not having been wanted, 
Not having been loved or allowed to speak the truth, which for years me has haunted. 

I am worthy, I am good enough, I am valuable even with all my holes from pain.
I appreciate my life. I am grateful for my journey. I train my brain to be sane again.

I am proud of myself. I feel peaceful and content. I surrender to God and I pray. 
I forgive my abusers whenever memories arise replaying my painful past today.

I am free from the prison of maniac happinesses and the toxic positivity trap.
I no longer feel condemned or ashamed, or helpless, or like a mental handicap. 

I’m still of course battling insecurities but here are my getting-to-know-me results:
I recognized how I felt then, as well as how and why I feel now about those assaults. 

Understanding my story, accepting fully all my parts, developing a solid identity,
No longer trying to hide from myself using alcohol and sex - all restored my sanity. 

Knowing who I am and building a compassionate relationship with me, 
Being a real human woman, an authentic person, finally allowed me to be set free. 

I cherish my real life right here right now without an urge to escape by dissociation.
I choose my relationships carefully and critically examine my every association. 

Getting to know myself has been a six-year process, not a one-time event. 
Now I can say: I know Anna. I accept Anna. I love Anna... My life I understand. 

Anna had a very hard life growing up and going through her twenties and thirties.
She was filled with confusion, trauma, propaganda, and lots of daily worries.

But now I can be here for Anna, and together we have a productive, good life. 
To be brainwashing-free and heal from chronic trauma we wholeheartedly strive. 

I own my own mind. Being in my own presence, I finally fully feel at peace.
I’m living a life that now makes sense, experiencing from trauma a slow release.

From inflammation, pains, and aches I have been now free for several years
Because, as fully human, I now cry, releasing timely all my fears through tears.


10/28/2020 © Anna Szabo, JD, MBA

As you can see, my understanding of my trauma is comprehensive. But after I gained this self-knowledge and self-awareness, I needed a real solution to cope with my fears effectively every day. The only antidote to chronic fear is steadfast faith. God’s word is the only way to comfort our souls when anxiety attacks.

Isaiah 41:10 says this:

So do not fear, for I am with you;

    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you;

    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 41:10

God says that He is not on vacation or taking a nap. He’s with us. He is with me. I know it because I trust His word. God gives me strength and carries me through trials and adversity. That’s why nothing could ever hurt me. Yes, went through a lot but God preserved me like a pickle. Today, I’m writing this devotional for you, more faithful than ever, even after all the troubles I had endured and all my fears. God protected me! He is true to His eternal sovereign promises.

Think about your life. Have you successfully learned the skill of fear based on your life experiences? You can learn the skill of faith! How many challenges have you endured in the past? Has God delivered you from 100% of all your adversity? Do you feel that God was with you through all the troubles and trials?

Can you see how God had protected you? 

I can. Protection comes from heritage. What does this mean? Let me explain… I often filled with fear, especially, when facing uncertainty. That being said, I know that because of my heritage, I have complete protection from everyone and everything aimed to hurt me. No weapon forged against me will ever prevail. What kind of heritage provides such protection? My heritage as a child of God, the king of the entire universe, our God almighty. As His daughter, I am a Princess, a daughter of the king. 

“no weapon forged against you will prevail,

    and you will refute every tongue that accuses you.

This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord,

    and this is their vindication from me,”

declares the Lord.

Isaiah 54:17

If you accepted Jesus as your Lord and Savior, you became a child of God. Your elite royal kingdom heritage offers divine eternal protection. It doesn’t provide you with the guarantee of a trouble-free life though. Why can’t you just have a drama-free life? Why do you need troubles in this world? God wants you to have faith, hope, joy, peace, and intimacy with Christ. God wants you to become Christ-like.

But how can you possibly develop Christlike virtues if you have everything you want and don’t have to work hard for anything? How could you possibly stretch and grow beyond your comfort zone if you were kept within the comfort zone? How would you develop your perspective, grow in faith, change your ways, and glorify God by the results of your transformation? Troubles are promised to us by God. During one of my conversations with Him, I wrote a poem prayer about the process of being transformed through troubles. Going through trials, I discovered how much I am actually loved by God.

"I Trust You With The Troubles In This World"
 
You said we will have troubles in this world.
I would have surely preferred to avoid all my  trials.
But you also promised to defeat every sword,
And, with no battles to fight, how could I ever feel the perfect love as your special child? 
 
You promised protection, you promised peace.
You asked to not lean on my own comprehension.
So, as I'm standing here, crying on my knees,
I trust you still and your perfect plan for my eternal salvation. 
 

 3/6/17 © Anna Szabo, JD, MBA 

Have you ever witnessed a little girl asked to fall backwards into her father’s arms? If she knows he loves her, she can trust him. The more experience she has with her father loving her, the more faith in his ability to catch her will she have. That’s how our faith in our Heavenly Father develops and grows. We experience trouble, fall into His arms, and He catches us. God wants us to lean on Him. He wants us to trust His promises of protection. As we learn to trust God’s promises while dealing with life’s challenges, we grow in faith. The more faith we have, the more peace, joy, kindness, and fortitude we have.

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.

John 16:33

When we’re facing adversity, our faith is activated and exercised. God wants us to have faith in Him. He wants us to trust His perfect plan. He calls us to rely on Him for protection.

The Lord will rescue me from every evil attack and will bring me safely to his heavenly kingdom. To him be glory for ever and ever. Amen.

2 Timothy 4:18

Do you believe God’s promise?

I can’t help but believe! Based on my life story, I should have been dead or on drugs or in jail a long time ago. But because of my heritage, I received God’s divine protection. I’m witnessing to you today, and I hope my powerful testimony help you believe. 

Bad and Good Fears

I struggle often with the fears of adversity, uncertainty, violence, hostility, and so many other fears. These bad fears cripple my mental and physical health with anxiety, paranoia, and panic attacks. The more I’ve been spending time with God, studying who He is and what He says about me, the less I’ve been crippled by those bad fears. I do have one fear that’s really good though! The fear of the Lord. 

The fear of the Lord leads to life;

    then one rests content, untouched by trouble.

Proverbs 19:23

I fear God because He is my loving Daddy. He had done so much for me! God paid a high price for my sins. He gave me a super-expensive gift of salvation. He’s been watching over me and protecting me. He only asked me to do a few things for Him. My fear is not to disappoint my loving Daddy. I want to honor Him. I want to give Him glory with my story. The fear of the Lord has given me a peaceful and joyful life. It helps me remain untouched by troubles. I trust God’s promises.

Standing on God’s Promises

Getting to know the Lord helped me trust in Him. Trusting in Him helped me count on His promises. It’s been a roller coaster journey, but my trust has only deepened and grown. I discovered that God gave me over 3573 promises in the Bible! As I began to study His promises, trusting Him became easier because I saw that He actually never failed me. That breakthrough led to the birth of my favorite poem about God’s promises, including His promise of protection.

"Standing on God’s Promises" 

Life is a series of seasons,
With moments of sorrow followed by happy moments.
To question God we have many reasons,
Especially, when facing some devastating disappointments.
 
Sometimes, we question God's very existence,
Or just His presence in our lives.
We may confront the idea of God's goodness with resistance,
Especially when grief our daily emotions drives.
 
Our emotions are not a very reliable source of information.
How we feel changes often too randomly.
That's why to confidently walk toward our destination,
We need to immerse ourselves in truth extendedly.
 
We need to understand and believe God's faithfulness.
We need to embrace His eternal promises.
We don't need to make them up or guess -
Reading His word is what confidence encompasses.
 
In the Bible, there are 3573 promises,
The word "promise" itself occurs 50 times.
End of suffering, protection, and forgiveness,
Peace and joy are guaranteed to us always and not just sometimes.
 
God's promises are the only solid ground to stand on.
Everything else is unstable and temporary.
His word is the truth for us to lean on, 
So that our lives can be for His glory and extraordinary. 


9/12/17 © Anna Szabo, JD, MBA

On my journey of growing closer to God and trusting Him for my protection, I actually became genuinely grateful for all the adversity in my life. Why? I love God. I love being God’s daughter. I enjoy being the masterpiece He created me to be. But! Without my past, I wouldn’t have my joyful present and my peaceful future. I’m grateful for all my trials and tribulations because ultimately I can see that God’s plan is perfect. Seeing God in action by introspection makes me confident that in my future, God will protect me as He did in the past. That confidence is hope, which fuels my steadfast, unshakable faith.

"Your Plan Is Always Perfect" 

 You said your plan is perfect.
 Can I believe it, God?
 Sometimes I feel in conflict,
 With scope of trials so broad.
 
 But then I look around,
 I pay attention close,
 And see your grace abound
 In sorrow and in loss.
 
 I trust your every vow,
 Your Holy Word I trust.
 Sometimes I wonder how
 Your beauty comes from dust.
 
 Your plan for me to prosper,
 Have future and the hope
 Wholeheartedly I trust in
 And never will I stop. 
 

 8/16/17 © Anna Szabo, JD, MBA 

Do you trust God’s plan?

Do you believe His promise of protection? 

If you do, memorize the Biblical affirmation I created for you below and practice it often to remember that God is watching over you at all times, and there’s nothing to fear. 

“I Am Protected” Affirmation

I am Protected #52Devotionals 

My God is with me and He strengthens me. 
He upholds me with His righteous right hand. 
He protects me from every evil and rescues me. 
I don't fear as on God’s eternal promises I firmly stand.