Have you ever wondered how the daughters of narcissistic mothers can survive and thrive? Today, I’ll answer your 15 most common questions about the narcissistic mother-daughter relationship. I myself survived my mother’s cruelty, manipulation, and violence and I’m thriving with God. Watch my videos about toxic mother’s damage in my YouTube playlist called “narcissistic mother.”
Introduction
This blog post is not for everyone. There’s nothing inspirational or uplifting here, but it is filled with encouragement. I encourage you with my own story. My narcissistic mother went to abort me, called me a boy’s name and dressed me up as a boy when I was born, she abused and molested me, and she told me regularly: “I hate you and I just want you dead!“
RELATED: An Open Letter To My Narcissistic Mother
My mother encouraged me to commit suicide, which I attempted twice. She also threatened me with suicide to manipulate me into doing what she wanted. She was always wearing a mask with people: pleasant, sick, and victimized. With me, she was mostly a monster.
I am not a therapist or any kind of mental health professional.
My degrees are in law and business, as well as education.
All my knowledge is based on personal experience with my own narcissistic mother, as well as her narcissistic mother who abused her the same way my mom abused me. We all lived together, and today my 65-year-old mother still lives with her mother. She never moved away from home.
I had to run away. I couldn’t take them anymore
In 2008, I changed countries.
Have YOU ever tried to escape from your mom?I Am The Daughter of a Narcissistic Mother
I am the daughter of a narcissistic mother, and I want you to hear first-hand about the trauma I endured from being raised by my kind of mom. Then, I’ll share my answers to the 15 most common questions about the narcissistic mother-daughter relationship
To describe what it was like to be raised by a narcissistic mother, I want to state that the daughters of narcissistic mothers endure abuse of all sorts: physical, emotional, spiritual, sexual, financial, relational, and mental.
Here are four unbearably-painful things I can share about myself:
- Being the Child of a Narcissistic Mother Led To Narcissistic Marriage
- Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother Forced Suicide
- Raised by a Narcissistic Mother Caused Me to Be a Sex Addict
- Living with a Narcissistic Mother Resulted in C-PTSD
- Being the Child of a Narcissistic Mother Led to OCD
I loved my mother very much and was always protective of her. Facing the truth about my mom and working through all my injuries, damage, and trauma from her has been a long and very painful journey.
Yet, God had ordained and blessed it.
To face all this took years of courage and therapy.
The painful truth must be brought to light. As daughters of narcissistic mothers, we need to grieve, heal, and move forward.
But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. This is why it is said:
Ephesians 5:13-14
“Wake up, sleeper,
rise from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you.”
It’s critical to learn how to establish boundaries with the narcissistic mother. If we want to heal, we must face the devastating storm of mom’s anger, resentment, and bitterness, as well as our own overwhelming flashbacks and traumatizing feelings that arise as we uncover the truth about the narcissistic mother and what happens to her daughter.
I am the daughter of a narcissistic mother.
You must be, too, otherwise, why are you reading this?
This article is not something anyone can understand unless they’ve experienced exactly what is described here.
Yet, if you are the daughter of a narcissistic mother, as you read this, you will recognize yourself in each paragraph on this page.
You will have no doubts that you and I lived through the same thing, no matter where you are in the world. I was raised in Russia.
“When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it.”
Henry Ford
To heal, you must go “against the wind” and face the truth about your mother. I love my mother. I forgave her. We do not have a relationship because she does not have any conscience. There’s a really good insight provided by Frederick Burkle on this difficult topic.
Narcissistic Mother Has No Conscience
Here’s the first truth to remember about the narcissistic mother: she has no conscience. I worshipped my mom, and she abused me violently, humiliated me publicly, and cursed me continuously, even as I was leaving Russia forever. I had never been back.
That being said, since I emigrated to America, she established multiple online profiles with my name, has been stalking me in the United States, and even reached out to people in Atlanta asking them to talk to me.
Narcissism as a Deficit of Conscience
While normally our conscience may not always work as we might wish, when one’s conscience suffers a severe deficit or complete absence, the consequences are devastating, even though the one so affected will likely not see it this way.Without a functioning conscience, a person’s experiences are dramatically different from those whose conscience is normally and functionally endowed.
That lack of a conscience affects not only one’s emotional, moral, and social functioning capacity, but also one’s ability to think properly and acquire knowledge and understanding through thought, experience and the senses (what is referred to as “cognition”), distorting it and limiting its depth and scope.
Our conscience grows from empathy (the ability to understand and share the feelings of another), based primarily on our attachments with others and what we learn from those relationships.
The capacity for empathy is low to non-existent in narcissists.
Without empathy, an individual cannot relate emotionally to other people. This excludes the possibility of forming deep, meaningful bonds with them.
Unable to understand and appreciate that other people are sovereign individuals with rich and complex inner lives, a narcissist sees them essentially as objects that can be used for his need- and wish-fulfillment, without any consideration given to their needs, wishes, humanity, or dignity.
His empathy deficit, combined with his grandiosity, also makes him blind to how his behavior affects others. Why, he is great and everyone knows it, and there is no need to question that; although confirming it, loudly and often, is desired and expected. It is the least that others can and should do.
Narcissists sometimes understand, intellectually at least, what makes people tick; but that understanding does not translate into empathy.
They do not care about other people’s experiences, only their own.
These are frequently tied to multiple lies and fabrications about their education, pedigree, accomplishments, war duty, business exploits, name dropping and the influence they claim they have with important people, and the love and respect everyone has for them, all designed to bolster their own ego in the eyes of others.
They may use the language of higher values, especially when it serves their needs; but a closer examination reveals that their understanding of values is severely truncated and shallow.
They can talk, for example, even forcefully and convincingly, about the needs of humanity and other noble-sounding topics; but that talk is rarely, if ever, followed by any meaningful actions, particularly if such actions do not result in a gain for themselves.
Often their grandiose ‘speechifying’ about human ideals is in direct contrast with their private behavior — cold, callous, and/or brutal — toward people in their lives.
While a narcissist can mimic empathy and some semblance of concern over human ideals, he cannot mimic guilt, an emotion that is completely beyond his ability, even if only intellectual, to comprehend.
It is partly a function of his grandiosity: he’s never guilty of or responsible for anything wrong because he has placed himself above humanity with its constraining social mores and silly emotional concerns.
But it also stems, and predominantly so, from his empathy deficit that makes him unable to experience the pain of others. And, as he is always justified in everything he does in his own eyes, the sheer notion of responsibility, much less its affective and more unsettling component of guilt (when responsibility is broken), is alien to him.
We can see this inability to experience guilt in the narcissist’s ‘non-apology’ apologies in those unfortunate situations when he is forced to issue a statement of contrition for public consumption.
He may sometimes express superficial remorse for something (“Yeah, I shouldn’t have done it”), but the sentiment is shallow, fleeting, and upon closer inspection related to his regret over causing harm to himself (his reputation, etc.) and not to the harm he inflicted on another person.
The narcissist tends to be very sensitive to shame, which he perceives as humiliation: a blow to his ego (sense of self) and/or a threat to what he sees as his important status compared to others. This sensitivity is the reason why he tends to lash out at those who shame or appear to shame him in any way. His reactions to shame are grossly disproportionate to the “offense;” he will hold grudges and seek revenge sometimes till death, his own or his “offender’s,” whichever comes first.
Shame is so difficult for a narcissist to tolerate because it arises from an exposure of some flaw of his to others. He has many serious shortcomings; but in his own eyes he is perfect and surpasses everyone else, as he will let you know time and again, directly and not.
He must retain this grandiose delusion of superiority and perfection at all costs because this is all he has. His bigger than life persona hides an empty inner core, devoid of meaningful values and attachments.
A prick of shame exposing any flaws in the narcissist’s façade has a potential of deflating it and effectively destroying him since there is nothing of substance to fall back on within his inner world.
The rage with which a narcissist reacts to shame or humiliation thus deflects attention from his inner emptiness. That rage is often a predominant emotion, particularly in a narcissist who feels chronically deprived of the admiration and perks he believes he deserves (and as his need for admiration and perks is bottomless, so then is his sense of deprivation).
It does not take much to provoke it: a simple, neutral observation or a request can suddenly unleash it on an unsuspecting victim.
The vehement defense against shame is also another reason why a narcissist never takes responsibility for his behavior. Why should he anyway, when he’s perfect and does no wrong?
Nothing is ever his fault, no matter how great a mess he creates. Responsibility is always projected outwards, onto others, as blame. Admitting his culpability in anything could lead to shame and cracks in the false façade that defines his character — and his ego won’t allow that. It is a matter of life and death, ‘psychically’ speaking.
The flip side of his shame intolerance is his desire to humiliate others. It comes as naturally to him as breathing. He derives pleasure from inflicting on others the kind of pain he himself wants to avoid at all costs.
Humiliating other people is almost as satisfying as winning. It helps that the two often go together in the narcissist’s life. In fact, humiliating others is itself a win.
And he likes to win.
Frederick Burkle
READ OTHER ARTICLES ABOUT NARCISSISTIC ABUSE
- What Does Narcissistic Abuse Feel Like?
- Narcissistic Abuse Examples
- Narcissistic Relationship Abuse
- Narcissistic Abuse Recovery
The Truth for All Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
I know your mother is against you discovering and exploring the truth about her. Why? Because she wants you to worship her. Forever.
You might even feel guilty and shameful right now as you’re reading this because your mother would perceive this as a betrayal.
Your mother wants you to remain is eternal bondage with her. She is the only source of truth in her own eyes. She wants you to believe the same thing. She wants power, praise, admiration, and compliments.
You are a tradable commodity to her. You are a “food” supply.
Your eyes are about to open. You are about to face the truth about your mother. You must face the reality of who your mother is and what she has done to harm you. You can’t forever remain enmeshed with her. You have to stop letting her abuse you. You need to rise up and be your own person.
Prioritize your mental health and overall wellbeing and take charge of your future! This is difficult to do but it will propel you toward your exciting future, like an airplane taking off against the wind.
What’s the alternative?
To binge-watch Netflix, over-eat in search of comfort, dive into alcohol, sex, and drugs to avoid dealing with your emotional pain, become detached from reality and exposed to manipulation, submit to the narcissist’s cruel abuse, and live life wastefully hiding from emotional adulthood?
No, thank you.
Let me tell you: I know how hard it is to face your mother.
As a teen, I begged my mom to go to therapy with me after she encouraged me twice to commit suicide, and she made fun of me for that. In my early twenties in Russia, a therapist tried to work with me on the narcissistic mother-daughter relationship issue, yet it was too painful, I couldn’t do it.
In 2009, when I was recovering from domestic violence after being abused by the man who brought me to America, a therapist assigned to me at the time attempted to talk to me about my mother but I was completely shut down and scared of entering into that sacred yet dark and painful space.
In 2014, I had to finally face my giants and I did, courageously.
It was highly-disillusioning.
In 2017-2019, I’ve done the most comprehensive healing.
I can breathe now. I can live.
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I was avoiding my own emotional adulthood for years. In fact, here’s my story shared in the form of a Christian spoken word poem called “Identity.”
My narcissistic mother manipulated me into alcoholism and sex addiction. She wanted me to be miserable, sick, and unstable. She hated my drive, intelligence, curiosity, public speaking talent, and beauty. She always told me I was ugly, stupid, and worthless.
It’s so painful to face the truth about what exactly you endured from your mother who was supposed to love and protect you. It’s painful for me to share this with you but I was called to share from the heart, and I am ready.
So, let’s step into our emotional adulthood by facing the truth in faith.
Questions About Narcissistic Mothers Answered
A narcissistic mother has an inflicted ego and needs admiration constantly. She is possessive of you because you are her narcissistic supply to fuel her ego. She is threatened by your growing independence so she acts as if you were inferior and she were superior to you. She believes that you are here to fulfill her needs and be her servant. She doesn’t recognize you as a human being who is free to live. She feels you owe her for giving you life and the debt can never be repaid. She smothers you with constant criticism and abuse.
Narcissistic Mother Defined
A Narcissistic Mother is egotistical and incapable of love or compassion.
She is self-centered and only for herself does she experience any genuine passion.
She is a caregiver who treats her daughter as if the child’s aim were to be of service.
She deliberately persuades her daughter that she’s unloved, undeserving, unwanted, and worthless.
A Narcissistic Mother is one moment raging and next moment she is smiling.
She behaves unpredictably; her goal is to win people’s compliments and admiring.
She has an enmeshed relationship with her daughter where her child’s needs don’t even exist.
If she decides to appear nice, she is pleasant, but in a split of a second, she’s violent and pissed.
She uses her daughter to fuel her ego or get some money; that’s pretty much it.
And of course, her true motives she would never openly to anyone admit.
A Narcissistic Mother sucks the life out her daughter and says straightforwardly: “I just want you dead!”
Her daughter ends up with a long-lasting emotional trauma and a life of deep healing ahead.
10/6/18 © Anna Szabo, JD, MBA
Signs are observable and can be pinpoint. There are 55 observable signs of the narcissistic mother we need to know, discern, and understand. Here are those signs.
Narcissistic Mother Explained
1. She treats you as inferior, she feels and acts superior.
2. She makes you feel like you are a burden and should never have been born.
3. She controls and manipulates you: she blows everything you do out of proportion, she showers you with looks of disappointment and disapproval.
4. She offers no unconditional love, all her love is based on your performance, you have to win her approval and love.
5. She is ego-driven, self-absorbed, and inconsiderate of your needs.
6. She violates your boundaries or simply doesn’t recognize them at all: she reads your diary, provides no privacy, invades your space, complains about your personal business to everyone in front of you, and shares private details of your life with strangers in order to humiliate and embarrass you.
7. She tells you of the debt that can never be repaid by you, she says she sacrificed everything to give you life; this causes you much confusion, disappointment, frustration, pain, and self-doubt.
8. She competes with you, which makes you feel awkward and confused about your identity.
9. She befriends your friends and even flirts with your boyfriend.
10. She steals the ownership for your accomplishments and presents them as her own, unless she simply dismisses them.
11. She makes every little inconvenience your fault and imposes guilt and shame on you, projecting all her mistakes on you.
12. She is jealous of you.
13. She tells you how you feel, so you can never be sure of reality, she minifies or dismisses everything you say about your experiences or feelings.
14. She is emotionally unavailable and doesn’t know how to talk about emotions: you say you feel hurt and she says you are dangerous.
15. She wants you to be her narcissistic supply, manipulate you, and guilt you into complete and total submission, she dreams to make your life miserable.
16. She treats you as her scapegoat – a sacrifice that can make her look like a good person in the eyes of others and win her approval and admiration.
17. She also has the golden child – some other child whom she treats with privileges.
18. She is a boldface liar and will do anything to get what she wants.
19. She diverts conversations to herself: every problem is about how negatively she feels about you, which causes confusion in you.
20. She struggles with self-loathing and fragile ego so she makes everything about herself.
21. She fails to protect you from harm, she doesn’t care or even enjoys seeing you being harmed because she wishes for you to be punished, she’s cruel.
22. She puts up a facade, she cares so much about what people think and say, she wants people to admire her, so she plays nice with you around others, but she abuses you 1:1.
23. She guilts and shames you in a very dramatic and threatening way and she uses any means to get what she wants from you.
24. She’s emotionally untrustworthy and you know it.
25. She is confident that nothing is wrong with her.
26. She genuinely wants you to sacrifice your life to worship her.
27. She imposes on you the scars that are massive but invisible to others so no one can believe you, in fact, they believe you’re ungrateful since you have such a wonderful mother.
28. She is committed to torturing you forever, she will never stop.
29. She is mean and cruel, and she tortures you for your perceived imperfections.
30. She wants you to live with her and depend on her so she can exercise power over you and torture you.
31. She judges others, believes she’s the most talented, beautiful, smart, capable, and she exaggerates everything; she wants you to engage in gossip with her to make her feel good about herself.
32. She makes you feel exhausted and hurt, it’s overwhelming to be her daughter.
33. She is incapable of nurturing you.
34. You are a source of her sense of self, she “loves’ you for how she sees herself in you.
35. She created the illusion of a loving and sacrificial mother to win admiration and compliments from people.
36. She envies you.
37. She is severely deficient on empathy and compassion.
38. She causes conflict, chaos, and confusion within you and within the family.
39. She is incapable of affection, except toward her golden child whom she’s grooming to admire and worship her forever.
40. She defends her delusional persona at all costs.
41. She accuses you of being inconsiderate and selfish if you don’t meet her every need.
42. She brags about herself all the time, even painting herself a victim making sacrifices for you, only to win other’s admiration.
43. She persuades you that you’re a failure, will never amount to anything, and can’t live without her.
44. She seeks pity from people to get attention by exaggerating everything.
45. She portrays herself as super-strong, persevering despite her victimhood.
46. She treats you with neglect because she doesn’t care about you.
47. She makes you feel guilty for wanting to build your own life.
48. She considers any difference in opinions as disrespect and rages at you balming you for having an opinion.
49. She shames you for wanting to live life on your own terms and pursue greatness.
50. She is violent and aggressive toward you.
51. She intentionally hinders the process of your maturing because she needs you to remain under her influence and power.
52. She shares inappropriate information with you to create an illusion of friendship, violating boundaries and making you feel awkward, as well as robbing you of your childhood.
53. She gives you random abusive calls and sends messages expecting you to listen to her poisoning stream of unconsciousness.
54. She expects you to vulnerably disclose everything about yourself, whatever she asks.
55. She treats you with a reward-punishment system, she expects you to meet all her demands or else.
Narcissistic mothers have enmeshed relationships with their daughters. They are intimidated, hateful, jealous, and see their daughter as a commodity early in life but then as a competition for attention, admiration, praise, and compliments.
Narcissistic Mother Hates Her Daughter
Narcissistic mother inherently hates her daughter’s guts.
She sees her as another woman, of whom she’s envious and jealous.
She might be nice to people, even kissing others’ butts,
But to her daughter she is never good or kind or simply zealous.
Her only goal is to destroy her daughter permanently.
She’s filled with hatred, animosity, and ill will.
She says “I want you dead!” to her descendant personally.
She tries tenaciously her child to harm or kill.
7/17/19 © Anna Szabo, JD, MBA
Read this list of 48 things narcissistic mothers say.
The effects of having a narcissistic mother are many, some of which are Narcissistic Abuse Victim Syndrome, anxiety, depression, anger, complex PTSD, OCD, addictions, suicide attempts, inability to be your own person, Narcissistic Relationship Abuse, and Domestic Violence.
The Narcissist Makes You Feel deceived, disillusioned, devalued, disregarded, dehumanized, distressed, devastated, debilitated, disoriented, disassociated, detached, discarded, and depressed.
The best way to Deal with a Narcissistic Mother is to face your situation, unhook yourself from your mother who practically thinks she owns you, and take the small yet consistent steps toward healing, wholeness, and complete independence. You need to lean on God.
Step out of denial into acceptance of reality about your mother.
Allow the child in you to make peace with the painful truth.
Understand that you’re filled with anxiety about life, people, decision-making, and future because she persuaded you over the years that you don’t have the right to live and are worthless.
Realize that you can’t depend on your mother whom you idealized and idolized.
Recognize that there will never be enough sacrifice for your mother, her demands never end, she always criticizes you and wants to own and dominate you.
Comprehend what she’s doing to you and the harm you endured.
Build a plan to recover and heal so you can stand firm on your own two feet and be emotionally independent of this toxic relationship.
Establish boundaries, though you fear your mother.
Make yourself uninteresting and boring, she hates boring, so don’t tell anything exciting or important to her.
Focus on you, build trustworthy relationships with emotionally-healthy people who care about you.
Practice self-care, read, write, cook, create art, swim, hike, dance, take fitness or public speaking classes, journal, protect yourself, heal.
Forgive your mother to set yourself free from the bondage with her so you can heal and build a joyful life by embracing God’s word.
No. Narcissistic mother can’t love her daughter, she is not attached to her daughter, the daughter is there to serve her. It’s called an enmeshed relationship where the daughter doesn’t really exist as a human, except to be the Narcissistic Supply for the mother. Narcissistic mother has no conscience and is incapable of love. She clings to anyone who will provide her with praise, admiration, and compliments, but that’s all she cares about, not the actual people.
You know if you have a narcissistic mother by the red flags. See 55 behaviors of hers listed above – that is what she does. Below is a list of how what she does makes you feel. If the statements are relevant to how you feel and the 55 behaviors listed above describe your mom, it means you are the Child of a Narcissistic Mother.
My voice is not being heard
My feelings are not being considered
My needs and wants are disregarded
I’m being judged and condemned
I’m being dominated and controlled
I’m being treated as a commodity
I feel unsafe around my mother
I can’t trust my mother
I lose myself in my relationship with my mother
I’m being manipulated and violated
Being the Daughter of Narcissistic Mother results in the following.
Feeling guilty and forever indebted.
Feeling shameful and worthless.
Feeling anger or even rage.
Feeling like can not trust herself.
Feeling incompetent and lacking confidence.
Feeling uncertain regarding the boundaries that define where others end and she begins.
Feeling unable to trust people and withdrawing into isolation.
Feeling crazy and doubting reality.
Feeling anxiety about life.
Feeling suicidal because there seems to be no other way to end the painful relationship.
Confusion, lack of confidence, paralyzing self-doubt, debilitating anxiety, suicidal depression, OCD, C-PTSD, identity trauma, social anxiety, inability to form or maintain close relationships, isolation, addictions, self-harm, hopelessness, rage, anger, neuroticism.
Being the daughter of a narcissistic mother damages you in many ways. You grow up not knowing who you are, confused about your identity, lacking boundaries, unable to discern in relationships, having social anxiety, experiencing suicidal thoughts, being addicted, incapable of being alone with yourself, lacking trust, struggling with depression, choosing abusive partners, and always doubting yourself.
Confronting a narcissistic mother will enrage her and put your safety at risk. It’s also useless because she doesn’t think that anything is abnormal about her behavior. She regards herself as perfect. I confronted my mother many times and she tried to kill me many times. Eventually, I moved to another country to stay away from her cruelty and harm. I also tried therapy with her and all she did was laugh when we visited a therapist. She gaslights you to make sure you believe everything is your fault and she gaslights others, too. So, people typically believe she is a saint and you are ungrateful. Do not confront her – simply move on, become your own person, and do YOU.
You as her daughter want to be wrong about her. Not only is she your family, but she also gave birth to you so you have special tender feelings for her. When we are children, we trust our caregivers. We believe that they have our best interest in mind and truly love us. By default, we place value on their words and take what they say to heart as respectable and true. It’s because, as little girls, we regard our mothers as reasonable and logical.
To be a mother, though, no one is required to be either reasonable or logical.
Abusive and ill-willed women are allowed to have children and raise them. Cruel and ego-driven females are allowed to become mothers to innocent precious little daughters who are defenseless and take everything at face value while growing up.
Manipulative and envious, narcissistic mothers hate their daughters’ guts and raise them to suffer, genuinely wishing them harm.
How can you protect yourself now that you’re no longer a defenseless, naive, innocent little girl?
No contact with a narcissist is the most effective way to protect yourself. It can help you reflect on what happened and gain perspective. I did no contact with my narcissistic mother for years and it helped me. No contact is not the same as no relationship. You’re in a relationship with her, even if you’re not in contact with her. When I realized it, I unblocked my mother on social media to resolve the relationship by establishing boundaries. She immediately showed her true colors. This allowed me to take the next step in my healing and set boundaries. Without the season of no contact, I would not have gained perspective, healing, and peace.
The way to get over your narcissistic mother and her damage is to focus on your future, set goals, and practice self-care.
The Five Areas of Life In Need Of Healing After Narcissistic Abuse
Heal from Confusion as a Victim of Narcissistic Abuse
Overcome Depression as a Narcissistic Abuse Victim
Deal with Suicidal Thoughts After Relationship Abuse
Handle C-PTSD as a Victim of Narcissistic Abuse
Be Yourself Again After Narcissistic Abuse
Yes, healing is possible for daughters of narcissistic mothers.
Make Up Your Mind and Commit to Recovery
Create a List of What Needs to Be Fixed in Your Life
Do What It Takes for As Long As It Takes
Here are some resources to help your healing.
Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Prayers
Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Meditations
Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Videos
I was able to heal from the narcissistic abuse by my mother. I moved away from her to a faraway country, I graduated from four universities, built a successful career, live on my own alone in peace, have great friends and mentors, I published a book, became an award-winning author, and most importantly – I gave my life to Christ and learned who I am according to God’s word, not my mother’s word.
I overcame my addictions, I am very healthy, and my healing journey resulted in me becoming a poet, and artist, a blogger, a podcast host, an award-winning author and speaker, and in 2020 I have been invited to be on the TEDx global stage, which is an honor and a blessing.
I give God the glory for my story.
CONTINUE READING ABOUT THIS TOPIC
- What Does Narcissistic Abuse Feel Like?
- Narcissistic Abuse Examples
- Narcissistic Relationship Abuse
- Narcissistic Abuse Recovery
An Open Letter To The Narcissistic Mother
"An Open Letter To My Mother"
Dear Mom,
I am writing this letter to acknowledge everything that happened between us and to let you know that I forgive you.
Not only that, mom, but also, I understand you.
I understand that you gave me everything you could, everything you had.
I wanted more but you didn’t have it.
It’s just that simple.
I wanted you to love me with compassion, care, and wisdom, but the truth is, mom, your mother didn’t raise you with love, compassion, and wisdom.
You abused me, it’s true, but it’s also true that you were abused.
You were angry. You were cruel. You were abusive.
It’s true, and I was so hurt. Yet, it’s also true, that you were raised surrounded by angry, cruel, and really abusive people.
You were suffering from the people who were suffering from the people who were suffering from the people who were also suffering.
You told me once that our family was cursed.
I believe in the generational curse, which is caused by our mind, what we choose to believe, think, and do.
It’s Biblical and real, because of our brain’s neuroplasticity.
Generational curses are embedded in the DNA but can be reversed by choosing different beliefs, thoughts, and actions.
Yes, we were cursed. But that curse has no more power.
What I choose to believe is this: God created in me in His image and made me a part of your family to stop the curse.
What I choose to think is this: you did the best you could under the circumstances.
What I choose to do is this: I forgive you, mom, once and for all. You are free, and so am I.
This letter symbolizes the end of my lifelong suffering.
The generational curse of narcissistic abuse is over, it ends this day.
My heart is filled with love and compassion for you, and all I want for you is hope, peace, and joy.
My heart is filled with hope, peace, and joy. I love you.
Mom, you hurt me, you traumatized me, you damaged me, you abused me, you violated me, you humiliated me publicly, you bullied me, and you inflicted so much pain on me.
You broke my heart, mom. You distorted my identity.
Mom, you were supposed to love me. But instead, you abused me.
You are the one who had the responsibility to protect me, nurture me, teach me, prepare me for life, show me what respect and honor look like in a woman’s life, and equip me to be a functional adult.
Yet, you chose to teach me promiscuity, adultery, alcoholism, and suicide.
Dysfunction, addictions, anger, jealousy, violence, adultery, cheating, hatred, sarcasm, cynicism, doubt, depression, and rage – that’s what you consistently taught me, over and over again.
Most importantly, you taught me to hate and despise myself.
You taught me that I am a nobody, that I do not matter, and that my dreams and aspirations are delusional.
You taught me that life is not for me, that I’m an outsider in this life, that my reality is an illusion because I was not supposed to be born, that I was a mistake, and that I don’t deserve to live.
Mom, you chose to shatter my identity and persuade me that I am worthless, useless, unwanted, unloved, ugly, stupid, and crazy.
You taught me to believe wholeheartedly that I do not belong in life, that I need to be dead, that I am no match for actual human living.
The truth is this: you delivered me here but you did not make me. I came here not from you, mom. I came here through you from God.
God made me. I was made by God, mom, I am precious, worthy, loved, and alive for a purpose. God brought me here for His divine purpose.
You have no power over my mind anymore, mom, no more suicidal ideation, no more self-hatred, no more self-doubt, no more self-harming, no more feeling like I am your servant.
Mom, I have a purpose for my life, there’s a big plan, and God made me a part of it. I choose life.
I am liberating myself from the curses of the cruel abuse, the countless lies, the profound hatred, the traumatic impact, and the negative influence of your family’s generational curse.
The curse no longer has any power over me.
From this day forward, I am walking with God in the power of Christ and my heart is filled with love. And I love you.
My desire for a genuine relationship with you is still alive but I do recognize and accept that we can’t have a safe relationship.
This is a hard truth to deal with but I trust God and I am following in the steps He ordained for my life.
I know that God will make every wrong thing right. I always wanted to have a good mother-daughter relationship with you. It never happened.
I’ve grieved my losses. And I forgive you, mom.
From this day on, I choose life. I choose God. I am His, and He made me alive, precious, special, and wonderful. God gave me a new identity.
I am a child of God.
Mom, I forgive you. I forgive you because of Jesus Christ, my lord and savior. You are forgiven, mom.
I am leaving right here the heavy burden of my bitterness and resentment. I am setting myself free right now.
I am liberating my soul right now.
I am choosing to live. I am excited about my future.
I am filled with peace and joy. I like who I am.
I respect and honor myself. And I accept your choices.
Mom, you don’t owe me anything anymore.
I’m releasing you from the debt, and this is your debt-free decree. I love you and I will honor you as my mother by staying away from your abuse and hatred, by being a functional and productive adult, by serving God and His kingdom, and by sharing my story of God’s glory to encourage and empower other survivors, the daughters like me of mothers like you.
I choose to set you free.
I choose to also liberate myself and be free.
Mom, you are released from being indebted to me, and I am released from being in bondage with you.
I pray for your peace and salvation. I love you, mom.
I pray that you will find joy and contentment. I pray for your healing.
As for me, I pray that I will continue to choose life every day and make this world a better place by being in it – alive.
In Jesus’ marvelous holy name I pray.
Amen.
2/9/2020 © Anna Szabo, JD, MBA. All Right Reserved.
Originally published as "An Open Letter To My Mother"
Summary
In this blog post, I revealed to you from my personal experience, what Being the Daughter of a Narcissistic Mother is like, how painful and damaging it is, and how you can survive and thrive if you are in the narcissistic mother-daughter relationship.
The narcissistic mother primarily attacks and shatters your identity. She ensures that you see yourself as a worthless, incapable, incompetent person who is unworthy of love, friendships, or success.
I help women see themselves the way God sees them.
Ditch your mom’s BS about who you are and discover who God says you are. In the last few years, I’ve personally been on a quest to figuring out and conquering the negative voices in my head that distort my understanding of who I am. I call those voices the Shitty Committee, and each of us has that special committee in our headspace.
I’ve specifically been focusing on my identity in Christ.
From the Bible, I discovered 52 incredibly-positive things God says about us as His children. Those 52 precious discoveries turned into 52 Biblical affirmations I created to encourage and empower Christian women.
To help share this life-changing information with you, I created an ebook called #52Devotionals. Download it now for free.
My free ebook helps you understand who God says you are. Don’t be vulnerable to identity attacks from the mainstream media, relatives, coworkers, your boss, society, culture, and the voices in your head.
Stand firm and know what God says about you.
Anna Szabo is the founder of Online Discipleship For Women, a Christian ministry committed to helping alleviate suicide among women globally by sharing hope in Christ. Anna teaches how to create a joyful life by embracing God’s word based on her six pillars of joyful living: faith, food, fitness, finances, felicity, and fortitude. She is a Christian speaker, YouTuber, artist, poet, and blogger who created 2,000,000 words of Gospel-focused content to encourage and empower you. Donate to show your support.
