Have you ever felt unworthy or worthless? I have. The first time, it was in a relationship with my mother who told me I was worthless. The second time, it was in a relationship with my husband Michel who showed me that he saw me as worthless. The “I am worthy” devotional will explore God’s truth about your divine value. I will share also how I realized my worth.
The Definition of “Worthy”
The word “worthy” describes the value equivalent to that of someone or something under consideration. It sets the level at which someone or something deserves to be valued or rated.
The level, at which I was “to be valued or rated,” was set by my mom who was my primary caregiver. From my mother’s perspective, my value was very low. She explicitly told me how she didn’t want me, how she went to abort me, how much she hated and despised me, and how she wanted me dead.
My mother forced me to get on my knees and beg her, she loved humiliating me publicly, and she said many hurtful things to me every day. I wrote extensively on this Christian blog about the abuse I endured from my narcissistic mother. To escape her violence and bullying, I tried to commit suicide twice: at 11 and 12.
READ: My Suicide Story
Mom got me addicted to porn early on, and at just 16 years old, I was already a sex-addict. She served me with alcohol at home and in public from the age of about five years old, so I became an alcoholic, as well. My mother taught me that I didn’t deserve her love or protection. She called random girls her daughters telling people that she despised me. She told me many times: “I hate you and I just want you dead!” She criticized every part of my body, character, voice, smile, and even the way I walked.
My mother persuaded me that I was worthless and nothing good was waiting for me in my future. As a result of all the trauma I endured, I was angry. I was an addict. I slept around, even with married men, trying to comply with my mother’s demands.
READ: My Sex Addiction Story
I drank, smoked, and partied constantly, seeking to find at least some kind of meaning in my life and relief from my pain. My mother was extremely abusive and physically violent. Cussing was her normal way of speaking to me. The emotions of rejection, hatred, and contempt she expressed toward me regularly are the primary memories I have of her. I actually wrote a poem as I was processing my thoughts while working on this devotional. It’s called “Narcissistic Mother.”
"Narcissistic Mother" #PoemsFromGod A Narcissistic Mother is egotistical and incapable of love or compassion. She is self-centered and only for herself does she experience any genuine passion. She is a caregiver who treats her daughter as if the child’s aim were to be of service. She deliberately persuades her daughter that she’s unloved, undeserving, unwanted, and worthless. A Narcissistic Mother is one moment raging and next moment she is smiling. She behaves unpredictably; her goal is to win people’s compliments and admiring. She has an enmeshed relationship with her daughter where her child’s needs don’t even exist. If she decides to appear nice, she is pleasant, but in a split of a second, she’s violent and pissed. She uses her daughter to fuel her ego or get some money; that’s pretty much it. And of course, her true motives she would never openly to anyone admit. A Narcissistic Mother sucks the life out her daughter and says straightforwardly: “I just want you dead!” Her daughter ends up with a long-lasting emotional trauma and a life of deep healing ahead. 10/6/18 © Anna Szabo, JD, MBA p.s: The Trauma of The Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
I grew up cursing, drinking, smoking, raging, and being full of hatred. The level, at which I was “to be valued or rated” was set very low by my abusive mother. Then, I married a well-covered up narcissist in my 30s.
Here’s our wedding video.
The Narcissist manipulated my mind in a very similar way as my mother did. He applied to me multiple well-known narcissistic manipulation techniques, which resulted in my suicidal depression from the feelings of being discarded and treated as worthless.
I described my journey in a series of articles:
- Narcissistic Relationship Abuse
- Narcissistic Abuse Examples
- What Does Narcissistic Abuse Feel Like?
- Narcissistic Abuse Recovery
I felt discarded and worthless but also I had such a conflict between who I was before I married the narcissist and who I became afterward. Many women who experienced narcissistic abuse suffer from self-rejection. After enduring discarding from The Narcissist, becoming someone you are not is inevitable. Not recognizing yourself in depression is something many narcissistic victims report.
Feeling unworthy of love, respect, future, and life itself is what narcissists want their victims to experience. They very often drive their victims to suicide. And that was what I experienced. It was so familiar: my marriage with The Narcissist was very similar to my everyday life with my narcissistic mother growing up.
I felt unworthy as a result of being unwanted.
READ: My Story of Rejection
My mother told me how she went to abort me because she didn’t want me. The Narcissist told me four months after our wedding how he didn’t want me anymore and wasn’t interested in being married to me but wanted to be an IronMan instead and compete in Kona.
READ: IronMan vs Marriage
As I analyzed the commonalities among those two experiences, I realized that the feeling of worthlessness was directly associated with the feeling of being unwanted. Was my sense of worth rooted in those people’s approval of me? I had to examine myself throough an honest conversation and journaling.
Where My Worth Comes From
I realized as I was going through the narcissistic abuse recovery that I drew my worth from wrong places: mother and Michel. My desire was to be accepted and wanted by both my mom and my husband. They just didn’t want to accept me. They both chose to reject me. I felt worthless and helpless. Helplessness led me to experience hopelessness. Hopelessness led me to severe suicidal depression. This breakthrough in my thinking empowered me to seek a true source of my self-worth.
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.Galatians 2:20
This verse is packed with goodness: I found out that I am loved, that I am worthy of such a sacrifice, and that all the old things have passed. I am new.
I discovered that I am a child of God, made perfect in His image, set apart for His divine purpose. My true worth was discovered, and the source of my worth was God! Jesus loved me so much that He died for me on the cross.
READ: Who Is Jesus?
God set the “level at which I deserved to be valued.”
Once I placed my faith in Christ, He himself began living through me. The level at which I “deserved to be valued or rated” was set so high that my eyes were filled with tears.
I am a daughter of the King of the universe.
I am a Princess.
My worth was set at the price of the life of Jesus Christ!
How To Feel Worthy Again
Discovering my worth was incredible.
But the question still was: what about my past?
All my sin, addictions, aggression, and anger…
What about those things?
Shame prevented me from wearing my Princess crown with my head held up high. Coming to the cross and accepting God’s amazing grace was the answer.
READ: I Am Forgiven
God’s forgiveness was a gift that was already mine.
I just needed to reach out for the gift.
You were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.1 Corinthians 6:11
My sin was washed away by the blood of Jesus.
I was new.
Everything in me and in my life was now new.
No more shame, anger, or craving people’s approval.
Coming to the cross is incredibly powerful when we’re searching for life’s meaning and our sense of worth. The blood of Jesus was the price God paid to have me. He purchased me for a high price of Christ’s life, so I can be His and not the world’s. When I accepted Jesus as my lord and savior, I was justified.
READ: I Am Justified
No more debt owed, no more sins remembered.
I was redeemed from slavery to sin and set apart for God’s purpose, aka sanctified. Sanctified means set apart for God’s special purpose. Redeemed means that a high price was paid in full for God to have me for Himself.
Sanctification is also a process of becoming Christ-like.
“I am worthy” means “I deserve to be valued.”
Your worthiness comes from your identity in Christ.
Because God loved you, He redeemed you at the high price of the life of Jesus Christ. It is the proof you need to believe in your worth as a precious possession, a valuable gem, God’s piece of art.
I accepted that I am worthy of love, blessings, favor, and a beautiful future. What about you? To reflect the truth about your worth and worthiness, I created the Biblical Affirmation below. Repeat after me…
I Am Worthy
"I Am Worthy" #52Devotionals For me, on the cross Jesus Christ died. Because I'm worthy of God's love, He chose to be crucified. I was washed with His blood, sanctified, and justified. By the Spirit of God I have been purified. Click to Tweet
Any time you feel unworthy, practice this Biblical affirmation out loud to remember your great worth. Share this devotional with a friend who really needs to hear the message. How will your life be different now that you understand your great worth? Share with me in the comments below to give God the honor and glory and to encourage others. If this devotional was helpful, download all #52Devotionals now.
Anna Szabo is the founder of Online Discipleship For Women, a Christian ministry committed to alleviating suicide among women globally by sharing hope in Christ. Anna teaches how to create a joyful life by embracing God’s word based on her own journey of faith and fortitude.
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