I am Valuable - Daily Devotionals for Women by Anna Szabo of Online Discipleship for Women

Have you ever wondered if you actually matter? I have. In fact, not only have I quietly doubted on the inside, but I’ve heard people say to me that I was worthless. Today, I will share with through the I am valuable affirmations how precious and special you are to God.

I am Valuable to God #52Devotionals Devotions for Women by Anna Szabo

Feeling Worthless and Being Told So

I was born out of wedlock in Russia in 1983 into a family of alcoholics to a single mother who hated me. There were ten people in a four-bedroom condo: my mom, me, her middle sister Sveta and her daughter Julya, her little sister Ira and her family, and my grandparents. 

My grandma was so ashamed of me being fatherless, she insisted that I never call her “grandma” in front of people. My family made and sold their own moonshine. My grandma, my aunt, and my mom were all working as janitors, and they envisioned that same profession as a perfect future for me. I had never had anything against janitors but my dreams for my future were different.

Emotional and physical abuse, rape, two suicide attempts – I’ve been through it all. My life at home was awful, abusive, humiliating and debilitating. I described it in great detail in my blog post about the relational dynamics between narcissistic mothers and their daughters.

READ: Narcissistic Mother-Daughter Relationship

My mother started getting me addicted to porn when I was very young. I kept my virginity till 16, which was too long for her and she highly encouraged me to finally just give it away. So, I did. Then, I was encouraged to sleep around and eventually became a sex addict. I described my story in detail in a blog post about my sexual addiction.

READ: My Sex Addiction Story

My mother told me on a regular basis: “You’re worthless, I hate you, and I just want you dead!” Her abuse was unbearable, and eventually, I came to the end of myself. Actually, twice she broke me: at 11 and 12. I tried to commit suicide when I was 11 and 12. I liked much better the idea of being dead than living with my mother for another day. My mom made me feel unwanted, unwelcome, and unworthy.

My mother told me on a regular basis: “You’re worthless, I hate you and I just want you dead!” She only wanted me around when she could get something from me or from having me. When I gave her admiration, when I did exactly as she ordered me, when she was getting payments for having me, when she was getting compliments for my beauty as a little dressed-up girl, those were the times when she wanted me. All other times, my narcissistic mother discarded me like a piece of nothingness, ignored me, and gave me the silent treatment.

I grew up and left Russia. I emigrated to America in 2008.

Here, I learned that I am valuable to God.

Being Treated by People as Worthless 

Years passed by, I was living in America. I was educated, happy, healthy, accomplished, and confident, by the grace of God. I was getting married to a wonderful Christian man. It was May 14, 2016, our wedding day.

I became “Missis Szabo.

He was a seminary graduate wedding-officiating Gospel-proclaimer who practiced narcissistic abuse on me behind closed doors. The narcissist wanted me as his trophy. 

READ: How Satan Came at Me Looking Saint

The Narcissist wanted to have me for his own mental checkbox. He wanted to conquer me. He didn’t care a bit about me as I discovered after our wedding night.

Michel Szabo wedding with Anna Szabo

He discarded me as if I were a piece of nothingness.

READ: Narcissistic Discard Cruelty and Silent Treatment

Unless I was fueling his ego with praise and admiration or provided money for him, he treated me as worthless. I felt disoriented and devastated by the mental cruelty I was facing at home: projection, gaslighting, silent treatment, and so much more.

READ: The Narcissist Is a Chief Deceiver and Liar

I felt inadequate and worthless when on a sunny day in Decatur, GA he walked me to his car where his bicycle was attached in the back. Laughing in my face, he said: “And here’s my bicycle – my other wife I cheat on you with!” My heart was shattered, and its microscopic bleeding pieces seemed like they would never heal and be whole again…

READ: Narcissistic Devaluation Phase

I remember one early morning in our marital residence. He and I were still in bed. We were waking up. When we were in premarital counseling discussing sex with our mentors, he expressed verbally and in writing that his hope was for me to pursue him sexually after our wedding. That was exactly what I did that morning.

What happened next was heartbreaking.

He pushed me away, jumped off the bed, and screamed at me: “I don’t want none of this, I need to save myself for my IronMan training!”

READ: IronMan vs Marriage

I felt devastated. I felt ugly. I felt stupid. I felt deceived. I felt cheated on. I felt betrayed. I felt traded in for an IronMan bicycle. I felt sad. I felt sorrowed. I felt hopeless.

I lost my sanity after he told me that his bicycle was his wife and that he needed to save his sexuality for his IronMan bicycle. I wrote spoken word poetry to express my feelings and thoughts and to process my pain.

READ: Poems About Abuse

And then I finally realized: my mother and the Narcissist both discarded me and treated me as if I were completely worthless. The truth is this: I didn’t come into this world from my mother. I came through her. But the one I came from is God. My value is not assigned to me by either my narcissist-mother or narcissist-husband. My value was assigned to me by the Almighty God before I was even born. The King of the Universe brought me here as His daughter, a Princess.

Who Established My Value 

I learned from the Bible that God created me in His image as a masterpiece because He wanted to have me. God designed every part of me to His liking, for His purpose, as His masterpiece.

I am Righteous - Daily Devotionals for Women by Anna Szabo of Online Discipleship for Women

God knew my heart and my mind when I was still in my mother’s womb. He prepared His promises for me. He planned a future for me. And to show me His love, to show me how much He values me, He sent Jesus to die on the cross for me. When Jesus bled and died on the cross, my high value was established as a precious child of God. I am valuable to God.

Indeed, the very hairs on your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

Luke 12:7

God values me so much that He numbers every hair of mine. Number one, number two, number three… How much must God adore someone to number her hair? How much must He value her?

I discovered that my worth being more than that of many sparrows meant that I’m extremely valuable. A sparrow or some other small, seemingly insignificant creature, doesn’t get much thought. Do they? But God gives them much thought. He knows when even one little bird falls to the ground.
We may say “Of course He knows. He’s God. He knows everything.” But that’s not what this passage is talking about. 

This Bible verse refers to God’s care and compassion: His love. It isn’t simply about His awareness of the situation. It’s about His close attention to even little birds, to every living creature. God pays attention to sparrows, and the verse taught me that I have even more of God’s attention than the little birds do, though God also cares for them and all of His creatures.

How My Value Was Established 

After I realized who established my value and that it wasn’t my mother or my husband whom I needed to look up to for approval, I spent a lot of time thinking about how my value was established.

Jesus who was fully God became fully human.

READ: Who Is Jesus?

Christ sacrificed His precious life for me. He suffered for me. He was betrayed for me. He was crucified, bled, and died for me. With His blood, Jesus established my value. He paid a high price to redeem me from the world and to have me for Himself. He set me free from anything that is not of God. He made me His. He made me a part of the King’s family. My value was established by God through the blood of Jesus. I am valuable to God.

Jesus Set Me Free from Feeling Worthless 

Jesus made me a royal heir. He redeemed me from feelings of worthlessness. He gave me the Holy Spirit to guide me to the realization of my actual high value.

because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.

Romans 8:2

The law of sin and death is this: if you do this wrong, you will be punished like this and this for your actions. The law of the Spirit is this: if you do this and that wrong, you get God’s mercy and grace because of Christ’s actions.

You get the gift of God’s grace by faith.

READ: What Is Faith? 

My mother persuaded me that I was worthless and taught me to give my body away. But Jesus persuaded me that I was highly-valuable and He made my body a temple of the Holy Spirit. My narcissistic husband persuaded me that I was worth nothing and even his IronMan bicycle was of more value than me. But Jesus persuaded me that I was a Princess, a daughter of the King. My high value has been established when Jesus gave His life on the cross to redeem me and set me free. My value was established with the blood of Jesus. I am valuable to God.

Feeling Valuable

My marriage with the Narcissist led me to experience severe hopelessness and even go through a suicidal depression. I lived with him in the darkness of narcissistic mental cruelty, being regularly discarded, and feeling like I was completely worthless. That led me to social isolation due to a loss of confidence, and I ended up wearing my pajamas for several months just staying in bed all the time.

In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.

Matthew 5:16

Once I found out that I am valuable to God and who assigned such a high value to me, I decided to have joy. I decided to let my light shine. I decided to carry my high value as a precious Princess of God, with joy.

Can you relate to my feelings of worthlessness? If you’re in Christ, God chose you to shine your light in the world. Do you believe it? If you do, memorize my Biblical affirmation created to encourage and empower you and help you remember your value.

I Am Valuable

"I Am Valuable" #52Devotionals

I am the most valuable to my Father God
And the number of my hair He knows.
To pay for my freedom and life Christ died.
To shine light in the world me He chose.   

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How will your life be different now that you know your actual value? Share with me in the comments below so I can cheer you on. If this devotional was helpful, download all #52Devotionals now.

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