Have you been struggling with procrastination, laziness, or anxiety? You can get things done. The Spirit of God in you allows for your discipline! You can do exactly what you need to do if only you lean on the power of the Holy Spirit within you. I am disciplined. Today, I know this truth. But there was a time when I had dishes piled up, laundry all over my bed for months, and 22 extra-pounds of fat on my body which made me sick. let me tell you about my spiritual breakthrough…
Introduction
As I’m writing this introduction, it is September 16th or 2020, and I am finishing my eighteenth prolonged fast: no food, no water for over 24 hours. The cover image on this blog post is that of me after I lost all the weight and began working out. When I figured out the source of my discipline and productivity, I re-established my life after divorce and suicidal depression. I was able to pay off tens of thousands of dollars of debt, start this Christian blog, podcast, YouTube channel, write new books, birth poetry, create art, and thrive. Today, I dod what I need to do but not in my own power. I abide in Christ and surrender every morning.
This resulted in many great things!
My blog has helped dozens of thousands of people in 198 countries. My podcast has been downloaded more than 30,000 times. My YouTube videos have been watched 208,545 times. I became a TEDx speaker and will deliver my life-changing talk in three days, which I know will save lives. I’ve received many letters from women sharing how my ministry saved them from suicide. Glory to God!
I praise Jesus for the blessing of helping alleviate suicide among women globally. I’m honored and I do the hard work required to grow this ministry – every day. I am on fire. Today, I move with clarity and focus. God gave me a vivid vision for my future. He showed me that I am a difference-maker. I know who I am, whose I am, why I’m here, where I’m going, and how to get there. But there was a time when I was confused, depressed, suicidal, and totally disoriented.
Clutter and Chaos
I remember April 1st of 2017. The day when, in accordance with our divorce mediation agreement, I was supposed to move out of our marital residence at Adair Park in Cumming, GA.
Hold on!
Let me step back a bbit.
In 2015, a Godly man, who worked at the mega-church I attended, began courting me for marriage. He was so perfect that, after each date, I wrote him a gratitude letter, a collection of which turned into a gratitude book, which I gave him as a wedding gift.
Here’s our wedding video.
Four months after our wedding, my perfect Christian husband filed for divorce saying he wasn’t interested in me anymore and wanted to be an IronMan instead and compete in Kona. He called his bicycle “My other wife I cheat on you with” and I felt deceived, disoriented, devalued, discarded, and depressed.
READ: Marrying Michel Szabo
April 1st of 2017 was a beautiful sunny Saturday. Michel was out of the house, gone without ever letting me know whether he was alive or dead, abandoning me in the marital residence where I moved to build a family with him, yet, our huge wedding picture kept reminding me of him and his deceptive premeditated betrayal.
Less than a year prior to that day, I walked down the aisle and said “I do” which Michel himself decided to quickly undo. Less than a year prior to that day, I was moving into this very house out of which I was now moving because Michel didn’t want to be married anymore. Instead, he decided to be an IronMan and complete in Kona.
My reality felt surreal. It didn’t make any sense.
How could this be?
READ: IronMan vs Marriage
I was working full time, commuting 100 miles every day for work, attending counseling just to survive the narcissistic abuse in my marriage without killing myself, and in less than a year, I had to move twice, get married, go through Michel’s first divorce, which he dismissed, and then deal with Michel’s second divorce – all in our first year after that wedding. The emotional pain I experienced was unbearable. The confusion, despair, devastation, and deception were indescribable. I was praying every day on my knees in tears, reaching out for God’s help.
I was moving out of Adair Park into my new home. April 1st of 2017 was a beautiful sunny Saturday. I hired a moving company. They didn’t show up on time and said they wouldn’t be able to come. What? I had no idea what to do, except pray and believe that things would work out. I was moving into a beautiful place located on the Chattahoochee River. It was peaceful heaven. That day, my coworker Arturo and his friends, as well as some people from church and my friend Katherine came to help. But the movers didn’t show up…
For two weeks prior to the move, while I was still living with Michel in Cumming, I’d stop by my new place on my way from work every day. I would just sit in my empty apartment and enjoy the peace. We never had peace in our marriage.
READ: How Satan Came at Me Looking Saint
Our marital residence was associated in my mind with chaos, abuse, pain, and drama. My new home was associated with peace, safety, joy, and rest. I was completely exhausted that day. But I was surrounded by good friends who cheered me up. My friends were hustling hard to help me with the move. My friend Arturo made a long drive to come over to Cumming from Brookhaven and help. He brought his guys from church. His friends also sent me some cash that day, which was unexpected and very touching: I was moved in my heart by the fact that strangers cared so much. Arturo was the one who eventually persuaded the moving company to go out of their way and honor their contractual obligations. They did show up later that day and moved me to my new home.
Arturo’s wife helped move some stuff and gave me lots of hugs. She comforted me. And she cheered me up genuinely because I was seriously running out of mental, emotional, and spiritual gas. I needed a lot of enthusiasm because I didn’t have any.
My friend Katharine made delicious healthy food for everyone and helped settle some things after the moving company finally did their job. Katharine was the last person to walk out of my home when everyone left. I felt like I wanted to hold on to her because my reality felt so surreal and I needed people to reassure me that everything was going to be ok. I avoided being left in my own company, one-on-one with my painful situation. I was scared of my pain, my trauma, my suicidal thoughts, and all the impact of narcissistic abuse on my psyche.
READ: What Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde Do to Your Psyche
There were a few other people who helped me that day. I was grateful for everything they did to support and encourage me. The move took multiple trips and a lot of hard physical labor and emotional work. When Katharine left, I crushed on the floor in my new kitchen and wept. I grieved my marriage, my husband, my hopes for a ministry together, my dreams of a family, my love for Michel, and me, a human woman, being traded in for an IronMan bicycle.
The next day, I woke up to a disaster.
April 2nd of 2017 marks the day I faced the clutter and chaos – around me and inside me, as well. Let’s talk about the physical realm first. Everything was everywhere. I had been depressed and suicidal for a long time and I had no energy to organize, sort, clean, etc. Following the move, I lived in a chaotic mess because the little bit of energy I did have was used to go to work and make a living.
I wanted to not be alive anymore.
I didn’t want to think about my future.
I didn’t care about anything.
I was numb and zombie-like.
Michel and I were preparing for our divorce jury trial in Forsyth County that upcoming summer. There were documents to fill and painful things to deal with, all associated with the divorce. There was also my health: I was constantly sick after I moved in with Michel following out wedding. I fell off the staircase in our home, and he didn’t even take me to the hospital. Actually, after our wedding, I had several injuries.
READ: Spiritual Warfare Explained
Now, I was in a new home on a beautiful river.
I hoped to finally relax and feel at peace.
My apartment got flooded a few days after I moved it. My patio furniture was now on top of my giant living room couch. The apartment was so dirty, it was painful to look at it. It was disgusting, actually. I had a Cocker Spaniel, and his red hair was everywhere. Right after the flood in my home, my master toilet had a leak, so there was sewage in my bedroom. Now, I was in the midst of construction. I had already been in the midst of unfinished construction in my marriage. Michel and I remodeled our marital residence together, and he promised we’d finish it once I moved in. I moved in and felt homeless in that house the entire marriage because Michel disappeared and he refused to finish the construction.
I felt homeless again.
I needed a home, a place to rest and be calm.
There were people coming in and out of the house when Michel and I got married. He even gave the men access to our home without my knowledge and dudes showed up when I was not even dressed. Now, there were people working every day to fix my patio, my toilet, my bedroom floors covered in sewage. I felt overwhelmed and stressed out. I was exhausted. Clutter and chaos felt permanent in my life. My stuff was piled up everywhere. I couldn’t even figure out where to start settling and organizing. I had no mental power to think about the mess.
I had no physical energy to deal with clutter and chaos. I had enough fortitude to only push through one moment at a time. One breath at a time. One blink at a time. One thought at a time. I couldn’t give any thought to the discipline of cleaning and organizing because I needed all my mental, spiritual, emotional, and intellectual power to be dedicated to staying alive. I spent my weekends walking around all that clutter and chaos trying to regroup mentally. I had no discipline to start conquering the mishmash I lived in. I only had the discipline to still live.
I was holding on to my faith one second at a time. I needed to still be around for my next breath. That was the only item on my to-do list every day, and staying alive took all I had. It was hard work. It required a lot of effort and commitment. The laundry eventually piled up on my bed, which was never made. The dishes were everywhere, dirty and stinky, attacked by some bugs. The collection of unopened mail was outgrowing my guest bedroom. The guest bedroom itself was slowly turned into a trashed storage space. I’ll show you my space so that you can envision what it all looked like back then. My friends saw it all covered in clutter for a long time, and there were times I had no place for a friend to sit and no glass to drink water from. Why? Because of clutter and chaos.
Today when I’m writing this, over three years later on September 17th of 2020, two days before my TED talk through which I will be sharing all these things, my home is beautiful, clean, organized, peaceful, and serene. My dog Bruno, unfortunately, passed away 11 months ago from heart failure, but definitely, I had my home setup in 2017, so Bruno and I enjoyed a good life here together for a long time.
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In the Spring of 2017, there was nowhere to sit in my home because random papers and stuff were all over my guest couch, patio furniture was piled up on top of my living room couch, and shoes with purses were occupying every single chair because my closet ceiling fell on the floor, so I wasn’t able to use it. My bed was a place for laundry, and there was almost no room to sleep. There was nowhere to walk either because all those chairs with stuff piled up on top of them were blocking every hallway since moving boxes where placed on and under every table and desk.
I was tired of the two divorces in our first year of marriage. I was tired of moving twice in less than a year. I was tired of being sick and depressed. I was tired of being tired. I lived in the middle of unfinished construction again and felt hopeless. needed a home.
Yet, I had no discipline to get started on conquering all that clutter composition. I didn’t work out. I was spending most of my time trying to sleep to escape my suicidal thoughts. Whenever I was not sleeping, I was eating to comfort my anxiety and emotional pain. I gained 22 lb and was at my max weight of 136 lb. I was huge, considering than my normal weight is between 114 lb and 116 lb.
I ate steak with chicken and feta cheese with sour cream on top of everything. I gained so much weight, I hardly could find clothes to wear to work. I was bloated and inflamed. I was constipated and covered in acne. I hated Michel for what he had done. I hated myself for marrying Michel and accepting his last name. I hated my home that looked and smelled so awful. I hated my life for being so miserable.
From the outside in, I looked enthusiastic and full of life. But I was nearly dead. In fact, on the day I was planning my suicide, the waitress who served me lunch said I looked sophisticated, projected confidence, and appeared to have my life together. I responded with thanks, opened my journal, and wrote the following: “I feel like I just need to die. It sucks to be alive. My life sucks and it sucks to be me.”
Discipline from God’s Spirit
I will be honest with you. From all the chaos, clutter, pain, devastation, and misery, I was sinking in my suicidal depression more and more. I realized that I was trying to deal with life in my own power. That’s why I had no discipline.
For the Spirit God gave us … gives us power, love and self-discipline.
2 Timothy 1-7
The Spirit God gave us discipline… But how?
How could I have power and discipline from God’s Spirit? How could I feel empowered, alive, and productive again? Could the Holy Spirit clean up my home, take my trash out, organize my space, and make me work out and eat healthily? I had a breakthrough: not cleaning up and not taking care of myself or my home became my habits.
I needed new habits that reflected my faith!
I started writing out vigorously the habits I wanted to have. I wanted to honor God with my lifestyle. I wanted to be disciplined and do my chores on time. I wanted to be proactive and not procrastinate anymore with anything. I wanted to live in a beautiful home in a pleasant atmosphere. I wanted to lose weight and get my health back. I wanted my bed to be made every day. I wanted my laundry to be folded and put away. I wanted my dishwasher to be unloaded timely and no dirty dishes in the sink. I wanted my trash to be taken out every other day. I wanted to do 10000 steps and 100 squats a day. I wanted to read books again. I wanted to practice all the disciplines God talks about in the Bible: prayer, kindness, patience, courage, self-control, and self-care. I decided to lean on the Holy Spirit to help me build the God-honoring habits that reflect my strong, steadfast faith and glorify God with my life.
My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline or be weary of his reproof,
for the Lord reproves him whom he loves,
as a father the son in whom he delights.
Proverbs 3:11-12
Pondering how my daily habits and lack of discipline didn’t match my genuine faith, I realized how much I loved Jesus. He died to set me free from depression, procrastination, and devastation. I was His special child, and He disciplined me for my bad life choices. His discipline was supposed to teach me wisdom. The wisdom was that I needed to lean on Him in every aspect of life instead of trying to do it all in my own power. There I was -feeling helpless and powerless – when Jesus was waiting for me to surrender and heal. I found my power in Christ and decided to change the trajectory of my life.
I took on 100 squats challenge, and everything changed! I ditched unhealthy foods and added lots of plant-based nutrition into my menu. I began moving my body, working with weights, cleaning my home as well as my headspace, and heal.
The Harvest of Peace
I wrote out my habits. I captured on paper what exactly I wanted to practice for 30 days. Wake up and smile on purpose. Pray in gratitude and remember who you are in Christ by repeating a Biblical affirmation. Get up and stretch. Drink lemon water to help your metabolism. Make the bed. Those were some of my new intentional habits.
My home soon was in order, my mental health was restored, I got organized, I lost 21 lb, I gained incredible positive energy, I became healthy, I learned to rest in God’s peace, and surrender. That all gave me an opportunity to experience profound peace.
No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
Hebrews 12:11
Indeed, this very thing happened to me.
The harvest of peace (joy, good health, mental clarity) was the reward for my discipline. It was the doings of the Holy Spirit in me. All I did was listen to God’s Spirit and obey. God’s discipline transformed my life from miserable to magnificent. I fell in love with my life again and began sharing my story to give God all the glory.
As soon as I put my house in order, God called me to ministry. Online Discipleship For Women was born as a Christian ministry dedicated to alleviating suicide among women globally by sharing hope in Christ. Women from 198 countries have read my Christian blog, listened to my Christian podcast, and watched my YouTube videos. I received many letters like the one below, for which I praise God!
If you would become a part of my ministry and support the work I’m doing for God, you can make a donation now. Your support really matters to me. It’s because of readers like you, who see value in my content, that I am able to encourage and empower women.
From Paralyzed To Productive
Today, I feel vibrant, healthy, disciplined, focused, organized, energized, alive, excited, beautiful, strong, and enthusiastic, and purpose-driven. I love my home, my life, my relationship with Christ, my ministry, and my future. I feel joyful, grateful, serene, cheerful, hopeful, and peaceful. The cover image is a picture of me after my weight loss.
Can you relate to my story?
Do you believe that the Spirit that God gives you allows you to be disciplined? If you believe this Biblical truth, memorize the Biblical affirmation below and practice it often to remind yourself whom to lean on in order to stay disciplined.
I Am Disciplined
I am Disciplined #52Devotionals The Spirit that God gives me Allows for my self-discipline. Obeying God’s will peace brings me. To the Holy Spirit I'm listening. Click to Tweet
What are some new habits you will start practicing now using God’s gift of discipline? Let me know in the comments below. I’d love to hear about your life transformation and cheer you on!
Thanks to God’s gift of discipline, my life changed forever. Today, I help women see themselves the way God sees them. To do this, I wrote a book called “52 Things God Says About You – Biblical Affirmations About Your Identity In Christ.” I want to give it to you as a free gift. Why? I want you to know something very important… You are worthy, loved, special, chosen, powerful, creative, wise, decisive, beautiful, and were created to be God’s light in the world.
You are anointed. God created you in His own image – a masterpiece, a work of art. That is who you are! There’s a special divine purpose God has for your life. He has a plan for you. His plan is good. He designed and manufactured you in a very unique and special way so that you can fulfill your unique divine purpose.
God prepared good works in advance for you to do. He knew you before you were even born. You are a difference-maker. You need to know all these truths about your sacred eternal spiritual identity. Your identity in Christ is your helmet of salvation. It protects you every day from doubts, confusion, insecurities, fears, procrastination, anger, condemnation, resentment, bitterness, hatred, anxiety, addictions, temptations, depression, rejection, bullying, and other attacks.
You are an heir of the king of kings!
You are the loved daughter of the king of the world. You are a princess! You have access to God’s peace and joy. You just need to know the truth, and it will set you free. Get your ebook to stay encouraged and empowered every day knowing who God says you are!
52 Things God Says About You
- You are Forgiven – Devotional #1
- You are Accepted – Devotional #2
- You are Loved – Devotional #3
- You are Healed – Devotional #4
- You are Blessed – Devotional #5
- You are Special & Chosen – Devotional #6
- You are Justified & Sanctified – Devotional #7
- You are Alive – Devotional #8
- You are New & Transformed – Devotional #9
- You are Noble & Lovely – Devotional #10
- You are Beautiful – Devotional #11
- You are Holy – Devotional #12
- You are Worthy – Devotional #13
- You are Righteous – Devotional #14
- You are Valuable – Devotional #15
- You are Anointed – Devotional #16
- You are Free – Devotional #17
- You are Renewed – Devotional #18
- You are Not Alone – Devotional #19
- You are a Princess – Devotional #20
- You’re Fearfully & Wonderfully Made – Devotional #21
- You are a Disciple of Jesus – Devotional #22
- You are a Child of God – Devotional #23
- You are a Citizen of Heaven – Devotional #24
- You are God’s Glory on Display – Devotional #25
- You are God’s Masterpiece – Devotional #26
- You are a Difference Maker – Devotional #27
- You are Light – Devotional #28
- You are a Peacemaker – Devotional #29
- You are Wise – Devotional #30
- You are Clear & Focused – Devotional #31
- You are Intentional – Devotional #32
- You are Decisive – Devotional #33
- You are Powerful – Devotional #34
- You are Disciplined – Devotional #35
- You are Thoughtful – Devotional #36
- You are Prudent – Devotional For #37
- You are Confident – Devotional #38
- You are Courageous – Devotional #39
- You are Victorious – Devotional #40
- You are Kind – Devotional #41
- You are Loving – Devotional #42
- You are Hopeful – Devotional #43
- You are Joyful – Devotional #44
- You are Grateful – Devotional #45
- You are Strong – Devotional #46
- You are Protected – Devotional #47
- You are Peaceful – Devotional #48
- You are Patient – Devotional #49
- You are Faithful – Devotional #50
- You are Gifted – Devotional #51
- You are Creative – Devotional #52
Anna Szabo is the founder of Online Discipleship For Women, a Christian ministry committed to helping alleviate suicide among women globally by sharing hope in Christ. Anna teaches how to create a joyful life by embracing God’s word based on her six pillars of joyful living: faith, food, fitness, finances, felicity, and fortitude. She is a Christian speaker, YouTuber, artist, poet, and blogger who created 2,000,000 words of Gospel-focused content to encourage and empower you. Donate to show your support.
