Have you ever fought for your very life leaning purely on your faith? I have. In this Biblical devotional, I am not providing medical advice or coaching of any kind. I am simply sharing my faith. This is a story of how I fought a long-lasting suicidal depression without any drugs, on my knees, praying.
I am here today, writing this devotional for women right now to encourage you to be faith-filled.

My Suicidal Depression

In 2016, I became severely depressed and suicidal. It happened after my Christian husband of four months filed for divorce saying that he wasn’t interested in being married anymore and all wanted to be an IronMan instead and complete in Kona. He was a seminary graduate wedding-officiating Gospel-proclaimer who practiced narcissistic abuse on me behind closed doors.

I felt disoriented and devastated by the mental cruelty I was facing at home. The specifics of what I was going through are described in my essay called “Narcissistic Abuse Examples.” I felt inadequate and worthless when on a sunny day in Decatur, GA, during my lunch break from work, as we were walking to his car before I returned to work, the narcissist walked me to his car, where his bicycle was attached to the back, and said: “Here’s my bicycle – my other wife I cheat on you with!” My heart was shattered into millions of microscopic pieces…

I remember one early morning in our marital residence. Michel and I were still in bed. We were just waking up. I turned toward Michel to give him some affection… I need to tell you something important. When Michel and I were in premarital counseling, discussing sex with our mentors, he expressed verbally and in writing that his hope was for me to pursue him sexually after our wedding. That’s what I did that morning. What happened next was unexpected, shocking, and heartbreaking. It wounded me. Michel pushed me away, jumped out of bed, and screamed at me: “I don’t want none of this, I need to save myself for my IronMan training!” What?… I felt so hurt and confused. 

Michel was absent from our marriage already. And now this? I was rejected every day by the man who begged me to marry him just a few months earlier. I felt devastated. I felt ugly and fat. I felt stupid and deceived. I felt cheated on. I felt traded in for an IronMan bicycle. Read the details of my story in an essay called “IronMan vs Marriage.” I lost my sanity after Michel told me that his bicycle was his wife and that he needed to save his sexuality for his IronMan bicycle.

I became suicidal. I was becoming hopeless, enduring abuse, and not seeing any light for my marriage and our future together. It was all very strange. My brain became depleted. My cognitive abilities declined. I felt fatigued, unfocused, and disoriented. My suicidal thoughts were obsessive and severe. They were becoming more real. I started envisioning how wonderful it would be not to be participating in this life anymore. My life appeared to be miserable. I remember writing in my journal: “My life sucks and it sucks to be me.”

I was constantly thinking about why Michel chose me for this premeditative deception. I was wondering how I was unable to discern his narcissistic behaviors before we got married. I was regretting marrying him and wishing I never said yes to his marriage proposal. I wanted to undo my “I do!” I was dwelling on how terrible my marriage situation was and how much I hated living in the same house with Michel. I was sad that I gave up my identity and accepted Michel’s last name “Szabo.” I was regretting moving to the countryside away from the city, which I loved so much… I was enduring a 5-hour daily commute to work, 100 miles each day… For what? I felt mistreated by Michel. My heart was broken, and I felt like there wasn’t anything I wanted or desired, except to simply stop being alive, cease to exist, and be liberated from the misery of my marriage with the narcissist. I didn’t want to think about the future where Michel was still present, not another day. I was afraid to open my eyes in the morning and realize that I was still with him.

He said to his disciples, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?”‭‭

Mark‬ ‭4:40

My Faith and Prayers to God

My fear was bigger than my faith. I wanted my life to just end so that my broken heart would stop aching so much. For most of my marriage with Michel, I was under the care of a trauma counselor Terry, who was experienced working with victims of narcissistic abuse, and also worked with a Biblical counselor Tammy, who taught me about Spiritual Warfare. She also taught me to focus on my identity as a Child of God instead of as Michel’s wife. It was a breakthrough!

It was a gift that keeps on giving years later. The information about what God says about me became the foundation for my Christian ministry, Online Discipleship For Women. See, I needed to be upheld. My life was troublesome. My heart was broken. And, initially, I sought help from Michel instead of God. I placed my faith in Michel’s ability to be my husband, which he failed. Instead, I needed to have steadfast faith in God, then, I’d be upheld. Slowly, I was realizing my misplaced hope. I was too focused on being Michel’s wife. I had to focus on being a child of God and leaning on God instead of my own understanding. I felt like things were falling apart, and it was because my faith was misplaced. To b upheld, I needed to believe in the Lord, not Mchel.

Have faith in the Lord your God and you will be upheld.

2 Chronicles 20:20

My Biblical counselor Tammy began teaching me about the Armor of God, which I needed to master in order to needed to successfully fight that Spiritual Warfare. It was essential for me to understand Satan and his ways of attacks on my mind and heart. I needed to know his strategies and tactics. I needed to figure the devil out. You can read my essays What Is Spiritual Warfare?“, “Who Is Satan?“, and “What Is An Armor of God?” A part of the Armor of God is prayer. I began praying every single moment of every day, and those prayers are the reason why I’m still alive today. I wrote detailed and strategic spiritual warfare prayers. Those prayers helped me every time I felt desperate and hopeless. I still refer to them often. They have now helped thousands of Christian women globally through this ministry. One more thing…

Knowing who God says I am, understanding Spiritual Warfare, practicing the Armor of God prayers – all those habits were the key to my recovery from the suicidal depression, as well as my narcissistic abuse recovery. But the very reason why I even held on to life was God’s promises. My Biblical counselor Tammy taught me to search for God’s promises in the Bible. I found 3573! She encouraged me to understand how the promises of God apply to my life situation. She helped me stand confidently on God’s promises despite the entire ground collapsing under me during that satanic marriage. My spiritual work helped my faith grow and gave me the strength to hold on to life.

God’s Promises In the Bible

My faith has increased with each promise I found in God’s word. I saw from my personal experience that God never failed me and that He always delivered on His promises. I am faithful because I examined my story of God’s glory. I witnessed my own testimony, and that in itself helped my faith grow deeper and wider.

I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God.

Isaiah 43:1-3

I had surely been passing through the rivers and walking through the fire since I said “I do” to Michel Szabo on May 14th of 2016. But the Lord my God never left me. He called me by my name. He protected me from drowning and from burning. That was my breakthrough. I wrote a spoken word poem about God’s promises and concluded for myself that my feelings and emotions were not a reliable source of information but the promises of God are a solid ground for me to stand on.

"Standing on God’s Promises" #PoemsFromGod

Life is a series of seasons,
With moments of sorrow followed by happy moments.
To question God we have many reasons,
Especially, when facing some devastating disappointments.
 
Sometimes, we question God's very existence,
Or just His presence in our lives.
We may confront the idea of God's goodness with resistance,
Especially when grief our daily emotions drives.
 
Our emotions are not a very reliable source of information.
How we feel changes often too randomly.
That's why to confidently walk toward our destination,
We need to immerse ourselves in truth extendedly.
 
We need to understand and believe God's faithfulness.
We need to embrace His eternal promises.
We don't need to make them up or guess -
Reading His word is what confidence encompasses.
 
In the Bible, there are 3573 promises,
The word "promise" itself occurs 50 times.
End of suffering, protection, and forgiveness,
Peace and joy are guaranteed to us always and not just sometimes.
 
God's promises are the only solid ground to stand on.
Everything else is unstable and temporary.
His word is the truth for us to lean on, 
So that our lives can be for His glory and extraordinary. 


9/12/17 © Anna Szabo, JD, MBA

My suicidal depression was a result of the hopelessness, helplessness, and hostility I was experiencing at home. I realized that God’s promises to me and who God says I am have outweighed significantly all the adversity of my marriage with Michel. I decided that I wanted to live and I wanted to live my life fully alive! I concluded that, while everyone’s life sometimes rocks and sometimes sucks, life is still worth living. To be more specific, my life is worth living!

I have been standing on God’s promises ever since and applying my knowledge of the promises of God, as well as my identity in Christ, every day. I have been also helping other Christians to stand firmly on God’s 3573 promises. I have been practicing my faith proactively through my prayers and lifestyle, as well as this Christian ministry for women. My suicidal depression was transformed by God into deep joy.

He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.”

Mark 5:34

I was healed from my suffering because of my deep and wide steadfast faith in God. Michel and I are divorced. The joy of the Lord is now guarding my mind and heart. I choose joy on a daily basis and reap its benefits of mental health and physical wellbeing. My spiritual strength has been increasing since I now draw it from Christ and His word instead of walking in my own power. All my effort to know God personally has dramatically improved my resilience to Satan’s clever attacks. You can read my essay called “How Satan Came at Me Looking Saint.”

I realized that my suicidal depression was an undercover blessing for which at first I wasn’t able to express gratitude. Because of that depression, I am now in a much better and closer relationship with Christ. Now, I see how my depression was a blessing and helped me grow in faith, as well as become stronger spiritually. 

But Scripture has locked up everything under the control of sin, so that what was promised, being given through faith in Jesus Christ, might be given to those who believe.

Galatians 3:22

Do you believe in the promises of God for your own life adversity? Do you have faith that can be the solid ground for you to stand on even when life seems too shaky? If you said yes to my questions, memorize the Biblical affirmation I created for you below and practice it often to remain faith-filled no matter your circumstances. How do you plan to proactively apply your faith in your current life stuation? Share with me in the comments below so I can cheer you on.

“I Am Faithful” Affirmation

I am Faithful  #52Devotionals

I have faith in God, my Father.
I have faith in His great plan.
I have faith that He will honor
All His promises in my lifespan.