Have you ever felt hopeless? Hopelessness led me to a suicidal depression back in 2016. I was going through divorce four months after my wedding. My husband, who eloquently lured me into marriage with him by pretending to b a good Christian, took his mask off and became an abusive narcissist. I had moved out of the city to be with him in the country and commuted 100 miles a day to work with two back injuries, which happened within four months of our wedding. He cheated on me and betrayed me in every imaginable way. All that resulted in me literally losing my mind. Why? Because I had hoped in my husband Michel and not in Christ. Had I placed my whole hope in Christ, it would have never run out. This Biblical devotional and my original “I am hopeful” affirmation both focus on how to remain steadfast in your faith and hopeful in Christ, even when life gets really hard and, in the natural, you can’t see a way out. Hope in the Lord. Let’s talk about how and why.

Introduction

I became a Christian in 2014. In November of 2015, I met Michel, who actually targeted m for 11 months while I was on a no-dating journey. When he proposed to me, I could envision a lifetime of serving God together. I loved God and I loved Michel. I trusted God and I trusted Michel. When Michel failed me, I felt like God failed me, too. I became so hopeless that I almost killed myself.

Then, I realized that both hopefulness and hopelessness take an equal amount of hard work but produce different results. Hopelessness produces despair and depression often resulting in suicide. Hopefulness produces the Fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

Which one was I going to choose? 

I had to decide. That’s why God gave me free will.

Hope in Christ was what I chose.

Hope

I decided to choose hope, got myself out of depression, and have a joyful life now. Of course, it sounds easy but it wasn’t. It was difficult, laborious, and battle-like. The battle was in my head and my heart. I described it in my article called “Spiritual Warfare.” Choosing hope required me to surrender my fears and insecurities to God every moment of every day. There were many days when I fought God’s calling on my life. But because I chose to hop in Christ, God renewed my mind and delivered me from that season of pain, suffering, and abuse.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Romans 15:13

God gives us hope. He also gives us free will. It means that hope can be freely available to us but we still may choose hopelessness. Why would we do that? Because we often get confused about the source of our hope. And what is hope, anyway? Hope is defined as a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen. The synonym of “hope” is “trust.” The opposite of trust in God and hope in Him is confusion, which is never of God and is always of Satan who is the author of doubt and whose goal is to steal God’s peace and joy from believers.

Confusion

Have you ever felt beyond excited because your man booked a trip to Bali? Have you been in an emotional state of euphoria because he bought tickets for the two of you to go to a famous winery? I have. Those are my life experiences. See, I’m giving you these illustrations to show how I personally experienced hoping in men and things. Those are examples of “misplaced hope.” In those two examples above I felt euphoric because I had a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen. The thing was a trip to Bali in one case and a trip to a winery in the other example. That expectation for the trip to happen was hope. I had misplaced my hope in the past in a more serious way, which resulted in hopelessness and led to a long-lasting suicidal depression. 

Misplaced hope is a symptom of the spiritual condition I call “confusion.” I was so confused at the time when my misplaced hope led me to a deep dark depression. What exactly happened? 

I got married on May 14th, 2016 to Michel Szabo.

My Christian husband abandoned our marriage saying all he wanted was to be an IronMan and compete in Kona. I described the details of that experience in an essay called “IronMan vs Marriage.” Michel filed for divorce four months after our wedding. Then, he dismissed that but five weeks later, he filed for his second divorce in our teen months of marriage. I felt completely exhausted by his abuse, cruelty, manipulation, and lies. In addition, I felt trapped because h wasted all my money while failing to pay mortgage and debt but wasting money on his expensive hobbies. See, I had a certain expectation of a certain thing to happen: for Michel, who asked me to marry him, to actually be my husband. However, Michel changed his mich. Our marriage counselors at Mourning Dove told m: “We can’t help you because you’re married to a single man.” It was true. Michel’s own friends called me an IronWidow telling me that I was married to a dead man. It was also true.

I became depressed and suicidal.

I had no energy to continue living because my hope was misplaced: I hoped in Michel instead of Jesus Christ. I felt abandoned, trapped, powerless, and helpless. Michel traded me in for an IronMan bicycle. In fact, He called his bicycle “My other wife I cheat on you with” in my face. He genuinely enjoyed inflicting pain on me and smiles with pleasure every time he hurt me. He used gaslighting to make me feel crazy. He projected his own faults on me to make me feel guilty and responsible for his mistakes. There was no peace or stability in our home.

Michel pulled me in and out of multiple realities, sometimes being Mr. Jekyll and sometimes showing up as Dr. Hyde. I explained the impact of his cruel abuse on my mental health in an essay called “What Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde Do to Your Psyche.” All of that happened right after our wedding where friends and family were cheering us on just a few weeks prior to Michel’s divorce decision.

I was drawing my hope from Michel’s behaviors toward me and our marriage and his actions. My hope was in Michel instead of “the God of hope” as we know from Romans 15:13. I was confused, and Good was not the author of my confusion.

Satan was the author of my confusion.

When my trauma counselor Terry told me “The Narcissist wants you dead,” I realized what was actually happening in my life. I saw clearly that the narcissist, who already had threatened me multiple times by then, was trying to manipulate me into suicide. I described the details of my entire experience in an essay called “How Satan Came at Me Looking Saint.” I had to re-examine my hope.

My hope was in Michel and his commitment to our marriage. All of a sudden I saw that my misplaced hope in a mere human being outgrew and overshadowed my hope in Jesus Christ, my everlasting, all-knowing, eternal God. I was so confused. 

Confusion was my condition.

My symptom was misplaced hope. 

If only for this life we have hope in Christ, we are of all people most to be pitied.

1 Corinthians 15:19

What that means is that we must keep our eyes on eternity with Christ forever and not just on this temporary world where we need His help right now and want things to be our way, exactly how we expect everything to unfold. I deserved to be pitied for sure, like the verse above mentioned. In fact, I needed to experience genuine self-pity so that I could finally see what was happening. 

False beliefs took over my powerful mind, driving me deeper and deeper into the darkness of a suicidal depression. I saw how foolish I was for misplacing my hope. I forsook God’s wisdom and submitted to my flesh. I prioritized and idolized Michel.

Know also that wisdom is like honey for you: If you find it, there is a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off.

Proverbs 24:14

Wisdom comes from God. Having wisdom implies we know God. He gives us hope. His wisdom is infinite, and that means we will never run out of the wisdom of God. I found wisdom in God’s word. From hearing God’s word, my hope grew. Studying the Bible and its teachings about hope, I was able to take my misplaced hope and put it back exactly where it belonged: in Christ. I stopped being a fool with no hope.

… for the fool has no future hope, and the lamp of the wicked will be snuffed out.

Proverbs 24:20

This means those who are foolish have no light in them and have no real hope. I was one of those. My hope for salvation and God’s kingdom became somehow small while my hope for Michel’s commitment to our marriage became big and blinding. 

I was confused. Confusion caused my hope to be misplaced. It almost cost me my life. It could have ended really badly because my suicidal thoughts were taking over quickly and powerfully. Thank God, He revealed His wisdom to me. Glory to God!

Wisdom

I finally got wisdom. With Jesus as my source of hope instead of Michel, my future became bright and beautiful again, so I started on my journey of narcissistic abuse recovery and healing. My depression went away within a month. And I learned to have joy no matter the external circumstances. My joy comes from the Lord.

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

Romans 12:12

God clearly tells us that there will be afflictions and troubles in the future. Yet, we can be joyful because of our hope in Christ. Remember the definition of hope as a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen? The “certain thing” for me today is my salvation and God’s glorification, not the behavior or actions of mere human men. And I am hopeful again. Glory to God!

Hopefulness

There are so many Bible verses I can share with you that demonstrate true hopefulness in Christ. The one I chose for this devotional is heart-touching and comforts me whenever I’m going through adversity. If you don’t know my story, adversity has been my life-long companion. You can learn more about me by reading my autobiography called “Getting To Know Anna Szabo.” Let me share my favorite scripture with you to encourage and empower you if you’re struggling.

Many are saying of me,

    “God will not deliver him.”

But you, Lord, are a shield around me,

    my glory, the One who lifts my head high.

I call out to the Lord,

    and he answers me from his holy mountain.

I lie down and sleep;

    I wake again, because the Lord sustains me.

I will not fear though tens of thousands

    assail me on every side.

Psalm 3:2-6

Eternity with Christ is the source of my hope and joy. God gives me hope through the power of the Holy Spirit who knows God’s heart and lives in me, thanks to Jesus. I am hopeful. What is the source of your hope? If you placed your hope in Christ and fixed your eyes on eternity in heaven, memorize the Biblical affirmation below and practice it often to remind yourself where hope comes from.

“I Am Hopeful” Affirmation

I am Hopeful #52Devotionals

I abound in hope 
by the power of the Holy Spirit. 
My hope will not end 
because together with Christ I stand in it. 
I am constant in my prayer 
and I rejoice, even in tribulations. 
My hope is in Jesus Christ 
and I have no hesitations.