Discover the hateful and cruel things narcissistic mothers do to their scapegoat daughters to intentionally permanently destroy the daughters’ sense of self and sanity. I spent seven years looking for words to try to express the lasting chronic trauma, which daughters of narcissistic mothers endure, and I hope this information will help you understand what happened to you. These things I’m exposing today happened to me. I will pray for you at the end and give you a very effective antidote to your narcissistic mother‘s abuse and her negative impact on your psyche. As you read this, I want you to know: you are not alone, there is hope, there is healing, there is a beautiful future God has in store for you. To heal, you need to understand and accept what happened to you and then expose your dark trauma to God’s light and allow Him to heal you, restore you, and give you beauty for your ashes. Also, watch my videos about toxic mother’s damage in my YouTube playlist called “narcissistic mother.”
Things Narcissistic Mothers Do:
- Narcissistic mother gaslights you to make you feel crazy so that you start doubting your discernment and reality.
- Narcissistic mother projects her faults on you to make you feel guilty for her own failures.
- Narcissistic mother runs a decades-long ongoing smear campaign against your dignity and identity to distort your sense of self and make you feel worthless.
Narcissistic mother gaslights you to make you feel crazy so that you start doubting your discernment and reality
As a scapegoat daughter of a narcissistic mother, you live in a torturous, hostile, confusing, highly-stressful, and dangerous environment – chronically and not just for 24 hours or a week. You endure the narcissistic mother trauma for years. Mental cruelty is used to manipulate you into insanity and to incapacitate your cognitive, emotional, and physical functioning.
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Within the narcissistic mother-daughter relationship, the threat of abuse is always present, so you are always ready for your cruel mother to flip out, yell, scream, beat, kick, berate, torment, and torture you. You always walk on eggshells. Your level of stress is humanly unbearable. That is why you escape into dissociation – from your body, from your psyche, from your circumstances.
Having to cope with such a dangerous and unpredictable environment for years ultimately forces you into multiple inner conflicts where various defense mechanisms are activated in both your body and mind. That results in cognitive dissonance, which is very common among scapegoat daughters of narcissistic mothers. Cognitive dissonance is the state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes, especially as it relates to behavioral decisions and attitude change. In short, what your mother does to you through chronic gaslighting ultimately results in you feeling completely insane.
Narcissistic mother projects her faults on you to make you feel guilty for her own failures
No matter what your mother does, if she fails, if she feels bad, if something doesn’t wok out, it’s all your fault. Let me give you real-life examples of how narcissistic projections of faults works between narcissistic mothers and their daughters.
My mother always blamed me for her accidental unwanted pregnancy and for being born. She blamed me for being a girl and not a boy. She blamed me for her singleness, for my father having nothing to do with her, and so many other things, with which I had nothing to do.
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She blamed me for being a human with thoughts and feelings instead of an object for her pleasure and service. When she molested me and I asserted my boundaries, she blamed me for betraying her and not wanting to please her sexually. She called me her enemy, trader, ungrateful, and unworthy of her love.
My narcissistic mother blamed me for communicating my limits, for not submitting to her like a slave unquestionably, for setting boundaries with her, and also for having my father’s visual characteristics and his smile. She also blamed me for his absence in her life.
Everything was my fault, even where she lived and worked. She blamed me for her lack of education and career as a janitor. She blamed me for the violence in our family and the conflicts between her and her narcissistic mother. She blamed me for everything under the sun.
I had no perspective, mentors, church help, therapists, so my mother was the primary influence on my mind, and it was very negative. Those beliefs were deeply embedded in my subconscious mind. Her projected faults were rooted in my thinking as my failures. Her anger and unhappiness were mine to own and to be responsible for. I believed all those things that she groomed me to accept as true.
My mother blamed me for wanting to pursue education and achieve big goals and for graduating from multiple universities with high honors. She was jealous of me and constantly compared herself to me. She never viewed me as her daughter but rather as a competitor, as another woman… It felt very awkward and so bizarre.
I always longed for a wise and loving mom.
Can YOU relate?My narcissistic mother blamed me for having friends and social life. She wanted me to be her prisoner and serve her needs 24/7/365. My mother also blamed me for ruining her body. She would get naked in front of me and stare at her body in the mirror. She’d tell me that I was guilty of making her fat, that I was responsible for her cellulite and varicose veins, and that, had it not been for me, she would have “beautiful boobs and no belly pooch whatsoever.” Those are her quotes.
Your narcissistic mother manipulated you to believe that her mistakes and failures are your responsibility, and that’s why you always carry a heavy burden of guilt and shame.
Narcissistic mother runs a decades-long ongoing smear campaign against your dignity and identity to distort your sense of self and make you feel worthless
Your narcissistic mother berates you to make you feel incompetent and persuade you that you are lacking beauty, skills, confidence, character, and by her ongoing identity distortion smear campaign, she destroys your sense of self. You end up with a distorted self-concept. You don’t viscerally know who you are but you do know viscerally that you aren’t a human with dignity and rights and boundaries. You may understand intellectually that you are but in your gut, you feel like a piece of nothingness. Hearing from her directly and witnessing your narcissistic mother tell others that you are bad, worthless, undeserving, incapable, stupid, and overall a waste of her life, you end up with a shattered identity.
Chronic childhood abuse by my narcissistic mother distorted my identity from a very young age. My mother would dress me up as a boy and call me a boy’s name “Anton.”
She shared with me how she went to abort me. She told me that she didn’t want me, that my father didn’t want me, and that no one wanted me here on earth… So, I always was very much aware that I was unloved and unwanted, as well as unwelcome on earth and undeserving of life, liberty, dignity, human rights, or even basic respect.
RELATED: Narcissistic Mother-Daughter Relationship
My narcissistic mother also told me many times that I wasn’t even her daughter and was actually switched at birth. Because of her unspeakable abuse and neglect and her telling people lies about me, because I was always called names, punished with inhumane torture, told that I wasn’t wanted or welcomed, rejected and abandoned regularly, and blamed for everything, I didn’t know who I was, whose I was, or why I was even alive. I tried to kill myself twice at 11 and 12.
Your ability to develop a consistent sense of self is also impaired by your narcissistic mother’s chronic attacks on your identity and her ongoing smear campaign against you.
How The Things Narcissistic Mothers Do Impact Their Scapegoat Daughters
Trapped in the Happiness illusion. Chronic childhood abuse by your narcissistic mother caused you to dissociate from your real self and hide from your reality behind toxic positivity in order to cope and avoid being crushed by all the toxic trauma. You are often maniacally happy for a show and you avoid being with your self, because you know that hidden deep within are unbearable burdens.
Damage to the brain and the nervous system. Chronic childhood abuse by your narcissistic mother conditioned you to always be ready to fight or flee. In response to chronic abuse, you were taught to live in a hyperaroused and panicked state of constant terror. The result is an intense free-floating terror and constant panic attacks. The never-ending, overwhelming, exhausting anxiety is one of the side effects of your Complex PTSD from chronic narcissistic abuse by your mother as hear scapegoat daughter.
Alterations in your worldview. Chronic childhood abuse by your narcissistic mother left you feeling unsafe, surrounded by evil and hostile people who wish you harm. Trusting others is difficult for you. It became very hard to believe in a benevolent world because you’ve seen personally the chronic cruelty toward you inflicted by your own mother who was supposed to love and protect you.
How To Heal from The Things Narcissistic Mothers Do
To heal, you need to first face your trauma. So, you need to recall your painful memories of chronic childhood abuse by your narcissistic mother. You need to put it all in writing; through journaling or poetry or fairytales. I personally have created many poems about my story of being the scapegoat daughter of a narcissistic mother. I also wrote three autobiographical fairytales and published a book called “How Princess Lana Developed Faith and Fortitude.” I am Princess Lana and my mother is The Wicked Witch. Through the fairytales, I share all the abuse I endured. It was the first comfortable way for me to begin telling my story because at the time I couldn’t yet say such heartbreaking and mind-blowing words as “I was molested by my mother many times as a little girl.” So, writing fairytales about Princess Lana was easier and I didn’t have t say “I” because I wrote in the third person. Write, start today.
Once you have it all in writing, cry, grieve, mourn the little girl’s pain. This healing practice is described in a talk I delivered on September 20th, 2020 at TEDx Marietta Square. It’s called “The Healing Power of Self-Pity.” Once you process your feelings of hurt and sorrow through genuine grief, the next step is to forgive your cruel and evil narcissistic mother. Forgive her to liberate your own heart from this poisonous toxic bondage of trauma, because you deserve freedom.
Finally, you need to take all the damaging things your narcissistic mother said about you and trash them. You need to discover, understand, accept, and embrace what God says about you. Once you are rooted in your identity as a child of God, a daughter of the king of the universe, you will have a new life and a better future. God will heal you. To help you, I wrote a book called “52 Things God Says About You,” which I am giving you for free to encourage and empower you.
Powerful Biblical Healing Prayer for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
Father God, I declare that you are always good, that you have a good plan, and that the woman, for whom I’m praying right now, is a part of your good plan. Heavenly Father, you are loving, kind, faithful, and just. I am coming before you to lift up the Christian woman reading this blog post about the cruel, hateful, abusive, traumatizing, painful, and wounding things narcissistic mothers do. God, your word is the ultimate truth, and your word promises us healing.
He heals the brokenhearted
Psalm 147:3
and binds up their wounds.
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.
James 5:16
“Go,” said Jesus, “your faith has healed you.” Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus along the road.
Mark 10:52
When she heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak, because she thought, “If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed.” Immediately her bleeding stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering.
He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.”
Mark 5:27-29, Mark 5:34
God, the Christian woman reading this right now is not only the daughter of a narcissistic mother but your daughter first and foremost. I pray that your daughter’s faith will heal her wounds (Mark 5:27-29, Mark 5:34). Father God, I pray that her narcissistic-mother trauma healing is immediate (Mark 10:52). I pray that her healing is powerful and effective as of this very moment (James 5:16). I pray, God, that you bind your daughter’s wounds and make her whole (Psalm 147:3). This I pray in the marvelous name of Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior. Amen.
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Anna Szabo is the founder of Online Discipleship For Women, a Christian ministry committed to helping alleviate suicide among women globally by sharing hope in Christ. Anna teaches how to create a joyful life by embracing God’s word based on her six pillars of joyful living: faith, food, fitness, finances, felicity, and fortitude. She is a Christian speaker, YouTuber, artist, poet, and blogger who created 2,000,000 words of Gospel-focused content to encourage and empower you. Donate to show your support.
