I am wise - Anna Szabo

Have you ever doubted your ability to discern well and make wise decisions that would lead to God-glorifying life? I have. In fact, I was told that I was stupid, I was treated in condescending ways that implied my assumed stupidity, and as a consequence, I used to doubt my own understanding, experience, perceptions, discernment, lessons learned, and wisdom. Today, I am wise because God says so, and I want to show you that you are wise, too. You have access to God’s infinite wisdom through the Holy Spirit. Let me show you how.

I am Wise #52Devotionals Devotions for Women  by Anna Szabo


Introduction

My story of appreciating, seeking, desiring, and pursuing wisdom began in my childhood when I was surrounded by people who appeared to have no wisdom at all. My various relatives, including those who lived in the same condo where my mom and I lived, were all alcoholics, slept around openly, fought daily, slammed doors, screamed from the bottom of their lungs, and some of them would steal, get raped, or get lost in drunkenness for days without any concern for their kids.

When I was nine, I came home from school, opened the door with my own key, walked in, and saw my huge grandpa and uncle on the floor in their vomit and crap, face down. Many times, I would have to go look for my mom at her friends’ homes at night, only to find her happily drunk. I’d take her home. We didn’t have a car. I was a child. We had to take public transportation and walk long distances. But I would quickly discover that my mom was unable to walk or even talk. Many times, I saw my mom in that condition. The same was with my grandpa, uncles, aunts, and sisters (they were my cousins but they were called sisters).

My father was in jail.

My grandma was a liar, easy to catch, so nothing she ever said was trackable as the truth, even about her age, or how she met grandpa, nothing that ever came out of her mouth was true. When I was five, she held me up to the wall by the neck for an extended period of time trying to chock me. My aunt chased me with a knife when I was a kid, and my mom chased me with an ax. She tried to kill me many times and would say looking me straight in the eye: “I hate you and I just want you dead!”

RELATED: My Narcissistic Mother

What was demonstrated to me was also taught to me as normal. I was served my first alcoholic beverage as a child. My mom demanded that sleep around and report to her about my sexual adventures. My aunts brought their lovers home, and they were married men. My mom had a lover who was married. She also brought him home and slept with him right next to my bedroom, which disturbed me significantly and had a huge impact on my development as a child, as a girl, and as a woman.

RELATED: My Sex Addiction Story

Modeled to me were abuse and violence.

That was all I knew, all I saw, all I experienced.

My mother called abuse “love.”

She taught me that if a man loves you, he will beat you up and if he doesn’t abuse you, he doesn’t care about you, he doesn’t love you. “If he beats you up, it means he loves you” – my mom would say. She’d beat me up violently and cruelly as a little girl, then stop talking to me, ignore me and give me the silent treatment for a while, and then write me a letter saying “I abuse you because I love you.”

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I grew up to be an alcoholic and a sex addict.

I met a man online through a matchmaking agency. We traveled the world while I was in school. Oh, I forgot to mention: I wanted to be different from the people in my family so I pursued formal education and graduated from four universities: three of them in Russia. But it didn’t give me wisdom… It gave me knowledge.

In 2008, I emigrated from Russia to America to live my happily-ever-after with my American Prince Charming. He beat the life out of me. I was rescued by the police and taken to a shelter for victims of domestic violence in 2009. I became homeless in a foreign country without speaking the language. Life was very hard for me and I was desperate for wisdom. Because of my background, I was always interested in older men because I had this false belief that they were wise.

RELATED: My Domestic Violence Story

Prince Charming was 28 years older than me, and after our divorce, I married a doctor who was 26 years older. The doctor and I were married for a couple of years until I realized that he was a little boy. Actually, I didn’t realize it on my own but a physiatrist who worked with him told me about this saying that the doctor’s two little sons didn’t take him seriously and viewed him as a little boy. I sought counseling for us but the doctor wasn’t interested, so I left and we were divorced eight months later. That was the year I met Jesus.

RELATED: Who Is Jesus?

I spent a lot of time with Jesus, seeking wisdom.

In 2015, a God-loving man, who worked at the mega-church I attended, began courting me for marriage. He was so perfect that after each date, I wrote him a gratitude letter which eventually turned into a gratitude book I gave him as a wedding gift. Here’s our wedding video. Four months after our wedding, my perfect Christian husband … filed for divorce saying he wasn’t interested in me anymore and wanted to be an IronMan instead and compete in Kona.

He called his bicycle “My other wife I cheat on you with” and I felt deceived, disoriented, devalued, discarded, and depressed. After I endured narcissistic abuse in my marriage and experienced narcissistic projection and gaslighting, I felt incapable of making good decisions. I didn’t believe that I had good discernment.

RELATED: My Narcissistic Abuse C-PTSD

Because the narcissist practiced projection of his faults on me every day, I felt confused and guilty for his faults. Because he manipulated my mind through gaslighting, I felt crazy and disoriented. I was dissociated from reality because the narc pulled me in and out of multiple realities every day. It’s described in great detail in my essays called Living In Multiple Realities with The Narcissist and What Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde Do to Your Psyche. I was conditioned to feel unwise. I was persuaded that I was mentally incapable. I was forced to believe that my discernment was insufficient and my intelligence was inferior.

Feeling Unwise

If you make one decision that leads to a bad outcome and then you make another mistake and take another misstep… It’s so easy to end up not trusting yourself. It’s very easy to arrive at the point where you avoid life and decision-making altogether just because you have no trust in your ability to discern well to be able to make decisions. I’ve been there. That was a place of darkness, confusion, paralysis by analysis, self-doubt, and fear. When I was there, I felt trapped. I felt hopeless. I felt unwise, unintelligent, insane, and stupid. I felt like my life was getting worse and worse because I lost my mind, discernment, and wisdom. It was all because I counted on myself for wisdom…

RELATED: Living In My Own Power

I lived in my own power. I counted on myself for decision-making. I walked on my own. I loved God but I wasn’t trying to hear God’s voice. I didn’t understand that I already had access to God’s infinite wisdom. It was a gift I never reached out to accept and take to be mine. Yet, it was waiting for me because t was mine already. I simply didn’t understand where wisdom comes from, so I was confused and thought that the source of my wisdom was supposed to be I…

Where Wisdom Comes From

We don’t know the past, the present, and the future. But God does. He gives us His Spirit of Truth to help us be wise. He gives it to us but to have it, we must accept it and take it. God gave me His Spirit but I was unaware of the gift and never truly used it. During my season of two divorces in the first eight months of marriage with the narcissist, I came to the end of myself and was suicidally depressed. That was when God revealed the gift of His wisdom to me and showed me that it was mine.

It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God…

1 Corinthians 1:30

Christ is my wisdom. I am in Christ. I have His wisdom. I am wise. This was hard to believe at first. I just had to ask myself if I believed God’s Word entirely. This truth was so far beyond my comprehension at the time, I couldn’t accept that I was wise in Christ. But I believed God’s word entirely, so I embraced the truth: I had Christ’s wisdom. 

God’s Wisdom Is a Gift

Let me tell you about my biggest breakthrough, and I will explain it on a very relatable example, so that you can see how easy God made it for me to understand the gift of His wisdom in me.

Have you ever walked into a room with a beautiful Christmas tree there, seeing clearly the gift wrapped beautifully and marked with your name? And then you got distracted and left, forgetting your gift… The gift was already yours. It had your name on it. It belonged to you. It was assigned to you so you can have it. Its purpose was for you to enjoy it. The only reason why you still didn’t have the gift was that you didn’t accept it. You didn’t take the gift that was already yours, so you couldn’t enjoy having your gift. Not having the gift meant you didn’t use it but it was still yours, waiting for you to accept it, take it, and use it.

I found out from studying the Bible that the wisdom I inherited from Christ was already mine. I was given the gift of wisdom. The only reason why I did not yet have Christ’s wisdom and good discernment was that I never reached out for the gift to take it and use it.

Accepting The Gift of God’s Wisdom

Once I understood where wisdom was supposed to come from, I reached out for the gift of God’s wisdom, which was already mine, and I began to enjoy my newly-discovered wisdom from Christ. I was able to make good decisions. The wisdom I use for making decisions is not my own. I don’t count on myself and my ability to be wise anymore. Instead, I pray about my decision-making, and God gives me His infinite wisdom through the Holy Spirit, which dwells in me.

I choose Spirit instead of Flesh.

I abide in Christ instead of walking on my own.

I have wisdom from Christ.

That’s why when God called me to establish this Christian ministry for women, I obeyed, even though in my own power, in the natural, I felt unprepared, unequipped, and unqualified. Since founding Online Discipleship For Women, ‘ve received many letters from women who share how they benefited from my ministry.

If this content has encouraged you, you can support my Christian ministry by making a donation now. Your contribution truly matters as it helps me continue doing what God has called me to do. By donating to this ministry, you help encourage and empower women. The purpose of this ministry is to help alleviate suicide among women globally by sharing hope in Christ! Through the content I create, I help women see themselves the way God sees them. Join me and make a difference!

“Whoever Brings Blessing Will be Enriched” Proverbs 11:25

Bless Online Discipleship For Women

God gave me a huge breakthrough in regards to wisdom. He revealed to me a step-by-step process for how to make good decisions that result in God-glorifying life. God showed me the cause-and-consequence relationship between how I think, how I decide, how I behave, and how I live my life. That was when God blessed me with a sacred tool called the ITCEBO model. Download the high-resolution printout here.

ITCEBO model by Anna Szabo: Flesh vs Spirit



It’s very important to be able to make good decisions when it comes to life, health, relationships, career, family, marriage, business, budgeting, hobbies, and other aspects of living and being. The ITCEBO model is a blueprint to help you use the gift of God’s wisdom. Leverage it every day. I have it framed and refer to it any time there’s a decision to make. It has not failed me ever. This sacred blueprint for wise decision-making has blessed me over and over again, making my life productive, peaceful, joyful, and fruitful, not by my own power but by the power of Christ.

Being Wise

You are capable of making wise decisions if you’re in Christ. Once you accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior, God gives you His Spirit of Truth. God’s Spirit dwells in you. To reach out for the gift of wisdom from God, you need to want it, accept it, have it, and leverage it daily. It is yours already. You can have it right now.

The Spirit of the Lord will rest on him — the Spirit of wisdom and of understanding, the Spirit of counsel and of might, the Spirit of the knowledge and fear of the Lord…

Isaiah 11:2

You have God’s infinite wisdom through Christ in you. You get it through the Holy Spirit. All you need to do is to choose the Spirit over the Flesh. See the ITCEBO model for demonstration. You can always tap into God’s wisdom by following the ITCEBO model.

There’ one thing you must remember.

God’s word doesn’t promise us a perfect life.

In fact, God makes it clear through His Word that we will have troubles in this world, through which we must persevere, grow in faith, and share hope with others. Right now, I am sharing hope with you. This hope resulted from my strong faith, which became so unshakable and steadfast as the result of my trials, through which I persevered.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.

James 1:2-5

The Bible says we absolutely will have trials and that we must persevere through those trials so that we may have wisdom by strengthening our hope through growing our faith.

Persevering through trials leads to hope.

Trials for Hope

I never had a wise counsel growing up. I had to figure out life on my own. When I came to Christ in 2014, I started learning slowly how to surrender completely, give up control, stop living in my own power, and abide in Christ, allowing the Holy Spirit to guide me every day.

My life is not perfect but it’s better.

Every situation has meaning.

Daily, I seek answers from God.

He answers all my prayers.

God’s answers often do not meet my expectations.

Because God’s ways are higher than my ways.

I dodn’t always understand.

But I dod trust God.

So, I use His ITCEBO model as a blueprint.

Being wise and following Christ will not give you a perfect life but it will help you be in God’s will. I’ve experienced many trials in life and now I can share hope with others because I persevered through adversity:

  • Childhood abuse
  • Sexual assault
  • Suicide attempt
  • Sexual addiction
  • Domestic violence 
  • Homelessness
  • Narcissistic abuse
  • Mental cruelty
  • Divorce
  • Car accident
  • Job loss
  • Concussion

You may experience trials in your life. They might be very much a part of God’s perfect plan for you ought to uniquely equip and prepare you to help His kingdom by sharing hope. That was exactly what happened to me. God uses what He hates to accomplish what He loves.

Our experiences and lessons learned are meant to bring hope to God’s people. If we believe in Christ and abide in Him, if we follow His commands and stay in God’s will, we can learn to see our suffering as “pure joy” because we know that God will use it all for His divine good. I used to feel confused by all my pain in suffering. I used to feel discouraged, hopeless, depressed, and suicidal.

RELATED: What Depression Feels Like

Understanding God’s word and trusting God’s plan, I can now have contentment because I have hope which fuels my joy. My hope comes from all the trials I exper, through which my good God delivered me, in which He comforted me, and by which He revealed His grace to me. God loves you. He has a good plan. You are a part of God’s good plan. He wants you to grow in faith by persevering through trials with hope. He gave you the Holy Spirit to guide you with divine, infinite wisdom.

Do you believe that you have God’s wisdom?

If you do, memorize the Biblical affirmation I created for you below. Remember that you are wise and you have a good discernment (judgment). Your experiences are not ought to give you a perfect life but to give glory to God and hope to His kingdom. Your story s for God’s glory. Your lessons learned are for other’s hope and comfort.

I Am Wise

I am Wise #52Devotionals

I am wise and I show a good judgement.
Jesus has become for me wisdom from God.
My experiences for the hope of others are meant.
My wisdom is with the Holy Spirit intact.

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How does it make you feel to know that you have God’s wisdom? How do you plan to proactively apply His divine, infinite wisdom in your current life circumstances? Share with me in the comments below so I can cheer you on. When you share your story, you give God all the glory. Your testimony can encourage and empower someone who’s confused, lost, in pain, or even suicidal. Share in the comments how God is working in you and through you right now.

Today, I help women see themselves the way God sees them. From the Bible, I discovered 52 incredibly-positive things God says about us as His daughters. Those 52 precious discoveries turned into 52 Biblical affirmations I created to encourage and empower Christian women. To help share this life-changing information with you, I created an ebook called #52Devotionals. Download it below for free. Share it with someone who needs encouragement right now.

Anna Szabo's 52 Devotionals ebook revealing 52 things God says about you

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